


Don't Hurt Yourself

by bearandwalla



Category: Jai Courtney - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:07:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 27,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9275276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearandwalla/pseuds/bearandwalla
Summary: Jai and Bea take best friends forever a little too seriously.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was previously posted on my tumblr but since I've decided to switch fandoms it can live here now! I hope all of you enjoy the story and share it with anyone you'd think would be interested. As always, I'd love to hear any feedback you have! Thank you for reading!

“Get up. You gotta go to work.” Jai woke up to the smell of black coffee and Bea nudging him in the ribs with her toe. She was backlit by the sun coming up over Manhattan in her massive picture window, but he could still make out her fuzzy teal robe and her long chocolate brown hair braided over her shoulder. She looked the same as she had nearly every morning for the last 17 years. Annoyed. “Jai, you have to go. I have shit to do today.”  
His head was pounding and his shoulders ached from sleeping on her stiff and mostly decorative sofa.  
“You could have at least let me crash in bed, or gotten me a fucking pillow.” He massaged his neck with his thumbs, trying to wake himself up fully. He had pants on but no shirt. They probably didn’t get around to fucking this time. They were pretty drunk last night. The kind of drunk where you intend to do a plethora of nasty things together, but end up passing out the moment you sit down.  
“What do I look like? Your wife?” She set the coffee cup down on the table and turned toward the bathroom door. He knew the drill. He needed to be out by the time she got out of the shower.  
Jai made his way to the kitchen slowly and rummaged through the fridge. She was out of milk, and eggs, and pretty much everything else. He made himself some toast, wiped down the countertop, and went to her room for a clean shirt. She may be a stickler for him staying the night, but she still slept in the shirts he’d left behind and that always brought a smile to his face.  
Her bed was made perfectly, not a single article of clothing on the floor. Her makeup was lined up neatly on her vanity. The potted plants on the windowsill were even trimmed precisely. Jai laughed to himself. He’d seen her fall apart, lose control, scream and fight. He’d seen her at her most messy. He reckoned he was probably the only one.

Jai and Bea had been best friends since they were twelve years old. They were each other’s first kiss, first confidant, first sexual encounter, first everything. The danger lied in the familiarity. When things got tough with someone else, they’d give up and run back to each other every time. They were each other’s easy road.  
That was all fine when they were in their teens and early twenties, but as they approached thirty, the stakes became a bit higher. Neither of them was willing to admit that they’d had their fair share of relationships end thanks to their somewhat unconventional friendship. They were like an exclusive club that never admitted new members. No matter how close a girlfriend or boyfriend got, their was no ignoring the fact that Jai and Bea would always put Jai and Bea first if it came down to it.

After work was always dinner, always together. Depending on where they were in the world, they’d find some mediocre and probably rat infested diner to call home.  
Dinner turned into drinks, which turned into smoking a blunt in the alley, which turned to Jai and Bea lying on his living room floor spilling their guts about their love lives, like always. This wasn’t the wild night everyone assumed they were having. This was just their routine.

“She said I was getting distant but I haven’t changed a thing.” Jai mumbled, trying to brush biscuit crumbs from his shirt without sitting up. Bea was absentmindedly attempting to spread her long hair around her head like a halo, barely listening.  
“Did you tell her that?” Her voice was momentarily muffled by the food she’d just stuffed in her mouth.  
“Yeah…I mean, I don’t know. She wasn’t really listening to me so I said it was fine and left.” He tried to roll onto his side to face her but his body felt too heavy so he stayed.  
“Are you broken up then?” Bea lifted her legs straight up on the air, pointing her toes like she was trying to touch the light fixture, then let them fall sideways onto Jai’s lap. He tried to catch them but missed and took a hit to the gut.  
“Fuck.” He doubled slightly, finally forcing himself onto his side. “I guess? I don’t want to see her anymore and she sounded like she was done so I think we’re done.”  
Bea didn’t answer. She shifted her weight around and wedged herself up next to Jai, picking his hand up by his wrist and placing it on her stomach. They sat like that for what felt like hours, just listening to each other breathe. Jai’s eyes felt heavy but the room seemed to pulse around him when he closed them so he just watched Bea. She wasn’t doing anything, but he still watched.  
At some point they must have fallen asleep. Bea woke him up with a soft pat on his bearded face. He looked at the clock. 2:45 am. They both wordlessly got up and went to his room. He threw the clothes and books off of his bed for her to crawl in. He wasn’t allowed to stay at hers but she didn’t ever mind staying at his. There was a divot in his mattress from her body.  
She wiggled out of her jeans while he straightened the sheets and blankets around her. Bea never complained about his messy flat or messy life. It was like his flat was their old life, untidy and comfortable, and hers was their new life, professional and stuffy. She kept one foot on either side of the line.  
Neither of them spoke as he curled around her, burrowing his face in her hair and kissing her behind her ear. His hand crept down to cup her over her panties, but he didn’t do anything. It was a comfort thing. Like watching tv with your hands down your pants.

The morning came too soon. They both had to be on set at 7am. Jai watched her dig clean panties and a tshirt out of her purse. She knew she’d end up in his bed. She always did. Always prepared. Always at least a little bit his.  
She used his toothbrush when he was done with it and ate half of his bagel off of his plate. Watching her move around his flat, he wondered when they’d become this. Maybe they always were this way. One person in two bodies. That’s what it felt like.  
They took separate trains to work. She liked to pick up coffee in the morning and he liked to be alone with his thoughts. They were lucky this time. They hadn’t really been able to work together consistently since Spartacus, and even then they didn’t spend as much time together.  
Bea was a stuntwoman and Jai was an actor. Their careers after drama school took different paths and very different trajectories. She was better put together but they both knew he was the successful one.  
When he left Australia to audition in LA, she didn’t follow. She made her own way. Every few months he’d come home thanks to his stupid visa expiring and she’s be there waiting, another shitty movie under her belt.  
It wasn’t until he finally got a big role that she agreed to go with him. There’s always room for female stunt women, though the money is terrible and the career pay off even worse. Jai always said that if he became a huge movie star he’d put her in his contract. He’d make her one of his lame demands. Maybe his only demand.  
On set they didn’t talk much, though they were connected at the hip. All he had to do was give her a look, a raised eyebrow or small smile, and she knew exactly what was on his mind. One of the perks of knowing someone better than you know yourself.

Jai was just walking back to his trailer to wash off the day’s grime when he heard her voice echo through the parking lot.  
“Bear!” It seemed to bounce off of every wall.  
“Yeah, Walla?” He turned to face her, an exhausted slump to his shoulders.  
She jogged up to him and slipped her cold hands under his jacket. It had to be around 3*C out with the wind whipping around them and her costume was minimal at best.  
“My mum just texted me. Gran isn’t going well. She said she may pass soon.” There were tears in her eyes, a rare and heartbreaking occurrence.  
“You going home then?” He pulled her in closer, propping his chin on the top of her head. Her Gran had been in and out of hospital for months. Bea had grown up in her grandparents’ house, mostly raised by them seeing as her mother was barely 16 when she was born. She wasn’t able to fly home when her Pa passed three years ago and it had devastated her.  
“I think so. We wrap this bullshit tomorrow and then there’s the two week gap before reshoots so I think I could make it work.” He knew that ‘make it work’ wasn’t about scheduling conflicts. She’d never say it, but it was about money. Thousands of dollars to fly to Sidney was one thing, but possibly losing work was potentially disastrous on top of it.  
“I’ll go with you.” He offered, lifting his chin so that she could look up. He had the money, and in two days he certainly had the time. She looked at him like he was saving her life, a tear sliding down her cheek and cutting through the fake dirt makeup they had covered her in.


	2. Chapter 2: Hum Hallelujah

Jai’s back was killing him. Even first class wasn’t meant for men as big as him. By the time the plane landed, he felt like he was going to jump out of his skin. He woke Bea by poking a finger up into her nose, getting a smack to the side of his head in response.   
The warm Sidney air hit him the moment they walked out of the airport. It was soothing, being home. LA was home base, but Australia would always be where they belonged.   
Bea’s stepdad John picked them up, a burly man with a thick broad accent. He was always hard on Jai, but he treated him like a son. Lord knows he was around enough to feel like one of his kids.   
The ride to her family’s farm was nearly an hour, but they sat mostly in silence. Bea hadn’t been much for talking lately. John never was.   
“Your mum is having a hard time with this, Walla, so please don’t say something stupid like you always do.” John parked the truck at the top of the driveway, the gravel crunching under the tires. Before Bea could even reply her mother was hurrying out the front door toward them.   
“My babies!” She opened the truck door and nearly pulled Bea from her seat in a huge hug. Her hand reach out and grabbed at Jai too, squeezing them together. “Foods on the table. Lets get something good and substantial into you. You look like a skeleton.” She started toward the house again before turning back. “Not you, Bear. You look like a monster, as always.”   
“A monster!” Bea quipped, pulling her bag from the truck bed. Helen had always joked about Jai’s size, but she didn’t hesitate to ask him to do every manor of manual labour when he came around to visit. 

Dinner was meat pie and potatoes with lamington for desert. Not a vegetable to be seen, just how he’d remembered it. Helen knew the way to his heart, that’s for sure.   
“I’ve got the den fixed up for you, Bear. Walla’s cousin Sam is coming ‘round tomorrow though, so you may have to share.” She was bustling around, collecting dishes, while everyone sat in their collective food comas trying to fit some tea on top of it all.   
“That’s alright, love. I’ll just sleep up in Walla’s room. Don’t want to put you out.” He regret it the moment it left his mouth. There had been a lot said about them over the last decade or so, most people assuming they were a couple, but they’d always insisted otherwise. He’d just added fuel to the fire. “I…uh..” He tried to fix it but Helen interrupted.   
“No!” She held a hand up to stop him. “You’re thirty years old. You two do what you like. Who are we to judge.”   
“Mum! It’s not-“ Bea tried to interject, her face beet red.   
“Now, Beatrice. I don’t want to get into it.” The table was silent at Helen using Bea’s real name. She’d always been Walla. The cheeky little Wallaby, bouncing off the walls, making everyone laugh. They only heard her real name when things were serious. “Up to bed with both of you then. We’re going to see Gran bright and early.”   
They both got up somewhat cautiously, feeling heavily watched. The stairs seemed to creak louder than usual.  
“What the fuck was that?” Bea leaned against the door, letting it click closed behind her. “Now we’re gonna have the whole family talking about us being up here fucking all week.”  
“I’m sorry.” He sat down roughly on the twin sized bed, laughing a little at Bea’s embarrassment. He looked like a giant in her room. This wasn’t the house she grew up in, but it was in this bed where they’d learned everything they knew about each other. The bed he’d held her in countless nights when he’d climbed into her window and played house for a few hours before slipping back out into the night and running home before his mother woke him up for school. It was the bed they’d lied in when he first slipped his fingers inside of her, hearing her wince and then giggle at the sensation. It was where they’d figured each other out, breaking down a wall they never could build back up again.   
She didn’t bother to press him anymore, wandering down the hall to shower. Jai opened the window, listening to the crickets chirping out over the fields. Bea was under stress he couldn’t really imagine. Her career was shit, her family was close to losing the matriarch who had held them together her entire life, and now he had basically told her mother that he was sleeping with her. At least they were together though. At least they didn’t have to do this across oceans. 

“Knock knock! Hope you’re decent!” Helen called through the door, opening it immediately. Had they been at all indecent they wouldn’t have had time to cover up. That was most likely her plan.   
Jai was sprawled out on his back with his arms behind his head. Bea was sleeping on top of him, her face smooshed into his hairy chest, a small puddle of drool collecting near his collar bone. He slept in his boxers, but she wisely decided on pyjamas this time.   
“You two certainly have done this before.” Helen mumbled curtly, letting out a little giggle, like she’d just figured out their biggest secret. “Anyway. Breakfast downstairs. We’re leaving in an hour.”   
Jai tried to sit up, but Bea groaned and pressed him back down. Her hair was wild, matted to the side of her head where she’d been sleeping on him. He was far too big for the bed, but they’d slept in weirder positions.   
“C’mon, babe. We gotta do this.” He knew she wasn’t still tired. She’d been stirring and wiggling for over an hour. She didn’t want the day to start. She didn’t want this day to happen at all. 

The car ride into Sidney was different today. It was anything but silent. Helen talked the entire time, filling them in on everything that had happened in the last seven months. Everything. It was her nervous habit, talking. She filled the silence constantly rather than be left alone with her own thoughts.   
“Your mum came ‘round a few weeks ago, Bear. Did she tell you?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “Said she visited in October. I would have loved to visit, but you know, it’s tough with everything that’s been going on. She said you both were well though. Karen’s lovely. Love it when she pops in for a visit. Always brings cakes.”   
Jai tuned her out. He didn’t want to be rude or anything, but the closer they got to the hospital the tighter Bea was squeezing his hand and he was starting to take on her anxiety.   
Her Gran wasn’t just a big part of her life, she was a big part of everyone’s life. When Bea’s family still lived in Cherrybrook, Gran had been the one to watch over all of the neighborhood kids. She wasn’t mean, but she was sharp. While the parents were working long hours, the kids were running the streets, all under Gran’s watchful eye of course. No one challenged her, but everyone loved her.   
Bea didn’t let go of his hand when they walked from the parking garage into the building, or when they stood awkwardly in the elevator with another family, this one happy, waiting to see a new baby. She laced their fingers together tighter when they walked into the room, the rhythmic beeping of machines the only sound in the dim light. When Gran opened her eyes, she finally let go.   
Bea sat down gently, careful not to disturb the cords and tubes running all over the old woman’s body. She was frail. Frailer than they had ever seen. Her hand stretched out weakly and grasped Bea’s knee.   
“I’m sorry this is happening to you, Gran.” Bea said through stifled tears and a stuffy nose. “I wish this wasn’t happening.”   
She got a tiny smile in return. Wiping the snot from her nose she looking up at Jai, still standing awkwardly where she’d left him. Her eyes were begging him to do something, help her unload the burden a little bit, but he couldn’t. She had to feel it all, at least for now.   
They stayed for half an hour before Gran faded into sleep and the doctors came in the talk about options. She’s always said that when it was her time, just let her go, but it was easier said than done. 

“She’s alive. She’s there.” Bea cried into her coffee in the hallway, leaning against the wall next to Jai. “They just want to unplug everything and let her die.”  
“It’s what she wants. It’s her choice.” Jai tried to make his voice soft, it’s deepness betraying him slightly. He felt out of place. He was a part of their family. He always had been, but he didn’t feel like a part of Bea at that moment. He felt raw.   
It was Helen that told him to go, not out of malice, but for his own peace of mind. He didn’t need to watch Gran die. He didn’t need to feel that. He needed to be able to pick up what was left of Bea when it was over. They all knew he was the only one who could do that.   
He took a cab to his parent’s house. If anyone could tell him what to do it was his mum. She knew Bea as well as anyone and she knew how Jai felt about her.   
“You still take sugar?” She set a cup in front of him at the kitchen table. They’d only seen each other about two months previously. She’d come to LA to visit before he went to film in New York.   
“Yeah, thanks.” He took the sugar bowl from her hands and dumped three heaping spoon fulls into his cup.   
“So how’s she doing?” The question caught him off guard. It was what he was there to talk about, but he still wasn’t ready for the conversation.   
“Walla or Gran?” He asked, sitting back and closing his eyes for a moment, enjoy the quiet calm of his family home after spending time in the wild ruckus of Bea’s.   
“Both I guess.” Karen was great at gently coaxing people into spilling their thoughts. She wasn’t chatty, but she could make other people talk.   
“They took Gran off of all the machines before I left. They said she probably wont last the night. I’m just gonna wait for a call, I guess.” He took a long sip. The tea was too hot, but he enjoyed the feeling of it sliding down his throat and warming his belly. “Walla’s a mess. She wasn’t here when Pa passed and it messed her up so she feels like she needs to be here for Gran. I don’t think it’ll help her deal any better. She couldn’t be worse though, I guess.”  
It was true that Bea had lost it when her grandfather had died. She’d broken a contract, something a struggling anything never does, and spent a month at the bottom a bottle. She nearly got evicted. She nearly got date raped. Jai had to pick her up from the lobby of an apartment building at 1am, her dress torn under her coat. She’d begged him to just fuck her and make her feel something but he couldn’t do it. She wasn’t herself. She wasn’t herself for a long time.   
“Are you going to be able to be there for her?” She was hitting a nerve now. It was no secret that three years ago, when Bea was at her lowest, Jai had tried to ghost out of her life. He had a girlfriend and new actor friends and the last thing he wanted was his clingy best friend weighing him down. It was something he’d never fully forgive himself for, though Bea had long since let it go.  
“I’m going to do better this time.” He mumbled, feeling his face get hot in embarrassment.   
“I guess, you kind of have to consider if that’s what you want.” She set her cup down, twisting her wedding ring around on her finger. “I love Walla. She’s like a daughter to me and always will be, but sometimes you have to either shit or get off the pot, Jai. Is she the woman you want? Because not many women worth marrying are going to play second fiddle to her for the rest of your lives.”  
“What do you want me to do? When I’m on dates I always want to look at my phone and see if she’s texting me. When I’m with her I don’t even remember I have a phone. Is that what being in love is? Because that’s fucking stupid.” He rarely cursed around his mum, but she sort of opened the door so he had to let it out.   
“I think you’re over complicating things, honey.” She reached out and covered his hand with hers. “Think about what you want in a year, five years, ten, twenty, and think about how she’s supposed to fit into all of that.” She gave his hand a squeeze before letting go and standing up. “I’m going to run to the shops. Do you want anything?”

He wandered his childhood home for what felt like ages before landing in his bedroom and lying down. How does she fit into all of that? It was a loaded question. When he thought of his life at any point in the future, all he saw was her. All he saw was the two of them buying a house, getting a dog, sitting on the couch, her feet tucked under his legs while they watched tv. He couldn’t think of anything else.   
He pulled a sheet of paper out of the printer and sat down at his old desk.   
One Year   
He sat for ten minutes before thinking of a single thing he really wanted. He jotted down a few things for his career, move into a bigger place, get a new car. It all felt really vapid.   
Five Years  
What did he want by the time he’s thirty-five? He wanted to buy a house, though he didn’t know where. He wanted a yard, a garage, space. He wanted to travel. He wanted to get married. He wanted kids.   
He crumpled the paper up and snatched his cigarettes and lighter off the bedside table. In the back yard, he lit the paper and then lit his cigarette off of it. This wasn’t what he needed to think about right now. The world seemed to be spinning too fast. He sat down in a garden chair like if he didn’t he’d fly right off of the ground below him.   
He thought of his mother’s words again. How does she fit into all of that?


	3. Chapter 3: First Comes Love

The call came late. Jai had fallen asleep on his mother’s couch after dinner and she’d covered him with a blanket. He was surprised he’d even heard his phone vibrating on the coffee table.   
“Hello?” He answered. His voice felt sticky and heavy. He needed some water, and probably a toothbrush.   
“I’m at the old house.” Bea’s voice croaked out. She’d been crying, that was for sure, but at least she sounded sober. “Come get me. Please.”  
The house she’d lived in most of her life was connected to his by two loose boards in the back fence. They used to pass between them constantly as kids, but he took the long way this time, knowing he couldn’t fit. Her Gran had lived in it until she went into hospital, spelling the end. Helen and John had moved most of the furniture to their farm, though the rooms were still filled with boxes.   
Jai wandered in through the unlocked door, walking from room to room. It was eerie seeing the place so stagnant and empty. It felt like just yesterday he’d gotten his ass whooped for accidentally knocking over a shelf of knickknacks while running around the hall. Now it felt cold.   
He found Bea in her old bedroom, rummaging through a box labeled “Baby Wallaby”. Her face was red and blotchy and she looked tinier than he’d remembered, her sweatshirt puddling around her petite body.   
“What are you looking for?” Though he’d tried to avoid it, his voice boomed through the bare walls. She looked up, her chin trembling, fresh tears falling down her face.   
“I don’t know.” She pulled a photo album from the box and set it on the carpet in front of her. Jai sat down too, letting her lean into him.   
They thumbed through the pictures. Some were from Bea’s childhood before Jai, baby pictures, learning to ride her bike, her 4th birthday. Others were from how he remembered her, dressed up as a doctor for a school play, building a sand castle at Bronte Beach on holiday, Christmas dinner, birthday after birthday.   
“I look like a dick.” He pointed out their winter formal picture. His hair was a curly mess on his head and his suit didn’t fit right. It was the year he grew a little too fast, no one could keep up. They’d had dates, but when his bailed on him, most likely thanks to his unbearable personality, Bea had unceremoniously dumped her boyfriend and asked Jai to go with her.   
“I liked this look on you.” She smiled through her tears, running her finger over a photo of them sitting on surfboards next to each other, floating in the blue-green waters off the coast. That was the summer she nicknamed him Bear, when he let his beard grow how it pleased and his chest hair became the imposing monster it is today. That was the summer they’d lost their virginity to each other in that tiny twin sized bed, fumbling and messy and laughing the entire time.  
“Walla, I know this is a bad time, but I have to tell you…” His voice seized in his throat, betraying him. “I love you. I love you so much.”  
“I love you too, Bear.” She gave him a curious look, her cheeks raw from the tears she’d shed for hours. “You know I love you.”  
He felt like that 17 year old again. His palms were sweaty and the hair on his arms was standing up. He leaned forward and kissed her, tangling one hand in her hair and willing himself to show her. If he couldn’t manage to tell her, at least he could show her.   
She leaned into him harder, pushing him back onto his hands, and crawling over him to sit on his lap. This was how they dealt with things. When things got to heavy, they could always fall back on her hands unbuckling his belt and his mouth on her neck. 

The carpet rubbed his back raw, but he didn’t care. Looking up, he didn’t see a sad little girl who’d been begging him to make her better, he saw the resilient, confident woman he’d been stuck on his whole life, her head thrown back and her hair falling down around her shoulders as she rode him. It was something he’d seen a million times but it always felt new.   
He slid a hand up between her small breasts, feeling her chest heaving. He pulled her down to lay against him, doing all the work for her this time. She was breathing heavy in his ear, moaning softly every time he thrust into her.   
“Please don’t leave me, Jai.” Her voice was breathy and barely above a whisper. He knew what she meant though. He lifted her up to look at him, her body still rocking back and forth on his, unwilling to stop.   
“I’m never going to leave you, babe. I’ll be here.” He meant it too. It may not have been the context she meant, but he was going to be hers whether she wanted to be his or not. 

They stayed at the old house until sunrise, walking hand in hand back to his mother’s house. She didn’t ask questions. She just made them breakfast and held Bea as she cried what little tears she had left. Saint Karen to the rescue.   
They didn’t immediately rush back to the farm, though the twenty or so missed calls on either of their phones made it clear that was what they were expected to do. They walked down to the corner shop and bought iced lollies, silently eating them on the swing set they’d played on as kids.   
There was something different. Jai couldn’t put his finger on it, but he knew it was there. Something about the way Bea held onto his arm when they walked together or sat hip to hip with him on the couch while they watched the news that morning. Maybe it was nothing, and maybe it would be gone once they got back to LA, but he felt closer to her. He didn’t think that was even possible before.   
“Walla, I think you have to go home.” He spoke, standing up from the swing to throw his trash away.   
“Push me for a minute, then we’ll go.” She didn’t sound sad anymore. That was an improvement. He stood behind her, grabbing the chains on either side of her waist and pulling her up to his chest before letting her go. She straightened her legs out and leaned back, letting her hair brush across the woodchips below her. Jai chewed his lip as he watched her. For a moment, he considered never going back. They could find a place in Sydney. They could stay.   
He knew instantly it was a stupid thought. No one can ever have it all. You can’t even have most things. You get to choose one and you have to work for it. If he wanted to stay in Sydney he’d have to say goodbye to his career. Even if that were something he wanted, Bea was another story. She had her own grind to contend with, separate from him.   
No, they’d have to go back. They’d have to return to LA with it’s noise and dry, baking heat and it’s bitter, overbearing people. They’d have to go back to being outsiders, faking it ‘til they make it. Just like they always had.


	4. Best of Burden

Helen was silent on the loveseat in the den. Everyone else seemed to be moving around her, drinking their tea, looking upset, but she was gone. Bea had tried to talk to her, but she wasn’t having it.   
“I just need a day, Walla.” She’d whispered, like Gran’s death was just a rough workday that she would be over come the weekend. Jai sat with her for awhile, his arm around her shoulders, just letting her know he was there. She seemed to soften a bit after that, but not much.   
“I think I’m going to take a drive out to Burragorang. Maybe stay the night.” Bea’s voice was soft, like she didn’t want to interrupt everyone’s suffering. The lake had been their secret spot during drama school. They’d drive out for the weekend and sleep in the truck bed, getting high and talking about their big plans.   
“Yeah…yeah, doll, you should do that.” Helen spoke, not really looking up from her cup. “Take Bear. I don’t need you out there alone.”  
“Is there anything you need before I go, mumma?” She stood up, pulling the elastic out of her hair and letting it fall around her shoulders.   
“Just a kiss from my baby.” Helen gave a weak smile and reached out for Bea’s hand, pulling her down for a peck on the cheek. “Be safe.”

By the time they got to the lake the warmth of the day had turned cold enough to see their breaths. They found their familiar rhythm, Jai leaning against a log, watching the fire, Bea between his legs breaking little twigs into tinier twigs.   
“Why are you here?” She asked, her voice breaking through the open air sharply.   
“What do you mean?” Her tone had been less inquisitive and more annoyed. It left him feeling insecure.  
“Are you afraid I’m going to lose it again?” She sniffled a bit. In the dim light he couldn’t tell if she was crying or just cold so he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head. “Because I don’t need you to take care of me. I-I’m fine.”  
“You seemed to need taking care of last night.” He replied, somewhat crass, matching her snarky tone.   
“You know what,” She turned quickly to face him, though she was backlit by the fire so much he could barely see her. “You’ve been my savior ever since mum called and said Gran was dying and I just think it’s funny how you never seemed to want to save me before.”  
He pulled his arms from around her and stuffed his hands in his pockets defensively. “You always need saving, love. You’re always in some kind of trouble you can’t get out of. Ever since Pa died you’ve been holding onto me like the flood is coming.” He knew the moment he said it that this was going to blow up big. She’d been looking for a fight and he was giving it to her.   
“Is that what you think? You think I’m too clingy?” She wiped snot from her nose with her sleeve and slid backward, putting some distance between them.   
“I never said I don’t want you holding onto me, I’m just stating the facts. You pull me in as close as you can get me and then push me away once I do the same to you. It’s fucking confusing.” If they were going to do this now, he may as well put his cards on the table. Well, most of them anyway. “You either want me or you don’t. This whole ‘Fuck me when I’m lonely, fuck off when I’m not’ bit has got me pretty messed up at the moment.”  
“That’s not how I am. And-and if you didn’t like it,” she paused to wipe tears from her face. “If you didn’t like it you should have said something. We’re partners in crime, Bear.”  
“I’m saying something now. Why can’t I sleep in your bed in back home? How is it different from you sleeping in mine?” The fire was starting to go out so he got up to throw another log on, turning his back to her.   
“I don’t want you in my bed because…I don’t know. I just want something to be mine and only mine.” Bea stood up too, pulling a blanket from the truck and wrapping it around her shoulders.   
“See, that doesn’t even cross my mind. Whatever I have I always share it with you. My bed, my food, my bloody toothbrush. I share everything with you.” He sat back down on the log but she didn’t join him. “Do you want to be with me, Walla?”  
“Now that’s not fair.” She accused, looking him straight in the eyes. “You’re my best friend and you know it. You’re the only person that matters to me.”  
“If you want to be with me, just say it.” The constant hot potato of bitterness was exhausting Jai’s brain. He didn’t even know why he was playing her game. “You tell me you love me when no one else is around but then what, I’m your body guard every other time? We’ve been like this as long as I can remember and you never once thought of just giving us a shot?”  
“I’m not talking about this.” She got into the cab of the truck and slammed the door shut.   
“I’m not talking about this!” He yelled out into the still park air, mocking her voice. “You never talk about shit!”  
He’d slept like rubbish. It’s a hell of a lot colder outside when he isn’t holding her. She still looked angry when she got out of the truck, her cheeks salty with tears. He knew he should have just let it go last night, but he’d been holding in too much.   
“I think we need some time apart.” She mumbled, sitting on a log across the dying fire from him. In all of the seventeen years they’d been best friends, they’d never willingly taken time apart. Distance had always been a torture to be endured before.   
“If that’s what you need.” It was all he could muster in response. 

Jai slept on the couch in the den the rest of the week. Things weren’t awful between him and Bea, but they were still cold. At first he didn’t think she was serious. He thought the second she got home and showered and calmed down, she’d be right back at his side.   
Even on the flight back to LA, she put her headphones in and left him to his own devices. He didn’t even enjoy watching the shitty airplane movies without her constant commentary next to him.   
Back at home, with a few days left before filming resumed, he waited for her to call. Ask him to lunch, ask him to come over, ask him to pick her up. Nothing. It wasn’t until he got to New York that he found out she’d been there the whole time.   
It felt terrible to know that she had done something without telling him. There hadn’t been a moment in their lives that they hadn’t at least sent a text about. But she wanted space so he gave it to her, as depressing as that was.


	5. Safety Third

It had been two months since Australia and Jai was ready to jump out of his skin. Bea hadn’t said more than a few words to him since they’d come back. He’d heard from one of the stuntmen that she had a date with some bloke from special effects, a thought that he’d drown out with two bottles of whiskey immediately.   
Half of him just wanted to show up at her door and make it all better, tell her that ignoring each other was stupid and he didn’t mean anything he said. The other half knew that it would just piss her off more. This stalemate was just her way of exercising power when she felt out of control and he didn’t have to like it but he did have to respect it. After everything she’d been through, she deserved at least that much.   
After all the time that had passed, he was surprised as hell to see her name pop up on his phone while he was out at a bar. He’d already missed two calls from her. No voicemail. Typical. He excused himself from his friends and went outside to call her back.   
“Jai? Hey.” She sounded raspy and tired.   
“Hey, babe. How’s it going?” He lit a cigarette and walked down the street a bit to an empty spot of sidewalk.   
“I need you to get me.” Her words were choppy and slurred. She was drunk.   
“Where are you?” He took a long drag from his cigarette, letting the nicotine coat his brain.   
“I…uh…I don’t know hold on….um 45th street? And Lexington, I think. I can see the Metlife building.” He could hear her shivering. Knowing her she didn’t bring a coat, even in February.   
“Shit, that’s like 20 blocks from here.” It was nearly 2am, not a great time for a drunk girl to be alone on the streets, even a drunk Aussie girl. “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be there in a bit.”  
He didn’t bother to go back in and tell everyone he was leaving. The entire train ride he thought about what he’d say to her once he saw her. It wouldn’t really matter anyway. She sounded blitzed enough that he was surprised she could even unlock her phone.   
When he got off at Grand Central, she was out front waiting for him.   
“I told you to stay put.” He said, shrugging off his jacket and put it over her shoulders.   
“I lost my metro card and I think my phone is going to die soon….” She trailed off, hugging him tight and sliding her cold hands under his shirt. He winced at her icy fingertips on his belly.   
“Yeah ok. Lets get you home.” He nearly had to drag her. At one point, he even considered carrying her after she’d fallen sleep in his lap on the train. He knew people were staring at him. He knew some of them were taking pictures. Big action star Jai Courtney with a barely clothed tiny woman passed the fuck out on top of him.   
It took them ages to get up the ten flights of stairs to her flat. She’d always found a silver lining in it, saying it was a good leg workout. He cursed it now. She was like jelly in his arms.   
“You can-you can stay in my bed. You can do whatever you want. You should-can you stay?” She was doing nothing but get in his way as he patted her down looking for her keys. She didn’t like purses so she would stash her stuff all over her body. Money in her bra. Her phone in the waistband of her underwear. Sliding a finger down between her breasts he fished the key ring out and unlocked the door.  
He tossed her on the bed unceremoniously, flipping her over to unzip her sequined dress and slide her out of it. Where ever she had been, it had been somewhat nice. Underneath he found a hilariously padded bra and lacy black panties. Not really her style. He helped her out of those too.   
He would have asked her if she needed water, or advil, or anything, but she was out cold, hanging halfway off the bed. He ran his hand down her back slowly, taking in her soft skin, before rolling her back over and tucking her in. He stripped down to his boxers before joining her, not lying too close, knowing full well how quickly the tides of her emotions could change come morning. 

Jai woke up to Bea puking her guts out in the bathroom and an angry looking black cat sitting on his chest. Her collar said Vivian with Bea’s phone number underneath.   
Bea didn’t even look up when he brought her a cup of water and sat on the edge of the tub next to her. She’d put one of his old white tshirts on, her tanned legs curled up underneath her as she dry heaved.   
“You want to tell me what happened last night?” He questioned once she’d stopped heaving and sat back against the wall. The strong smell of pure vodka emanated from the toilet bowl before he flushed it for her.   
“I went out with Darren from props.” She spoke between pained sips of water. “He got pretty pissed when I wouldn’t fuck him so I left.”   
“I’m surprised you could even say no.” He quipped back, pulling a towel off the rod and handing it to her to wipe her mouth.   
“Oh fuck off, daddy. I did alright.” Her makeup was a mess all over her face and her eyes were bloodshot and drooping. “Everybody I go out with just wants to fuck. I don’t know why I’m surprised.”  
He found himself wondering how many of them she had gone to bed with. It wasn’t his business. She’s a grown woman. She can do what she likes. He still wondered though.   
“What were you doing? Didn’t interrupt anything did I?” She struggled to her feet and wobbled a bit before catching herself on the sink. He got up and held her elbow like an old lady, moving her back to bed.   
“Nah. Just out at the pub having a few with me mates.” He replied, keeping his tone cheery, hoping she wouldn’t ask him to go. “Doubt I missed anything.”  
Bea didn’t bat an eye when he got into bed with her again. She just curled up at his side and whimpered about a headache before falling back asleep. He wasn’t tired anymore. He raked the knots out her hair with his fingers and watched the skyline from the window. Vivian jumped back up on the bed. 

Bea looked like absolutely shit on Monday morning when she walked on set. It had been two days since Jai had taken her home, but she was still nibbling a piece of toast like a mouse and sticking close to the bathroom.   
“When did you get a cat?” Jai joked, plopping down in a chair next to where the stunt coordinator was strapping her into a harness. “And why?”  
“Vivian? I don’t know, Bear. I was lonely. She’s a sweetheart once you get to know her.” She winced when the strap around her waist tightened.   
“Still feeling crumby?” Jai passed her his bottle of water.   
“Whoever said thirty is the new twenty hasn’t experienced a hangover in their thirties.” She spilled a little water down her front when the straps around her chest were tightened. Jai was always pretty thankful he didn’t often have to do what she did. Flipping over burning cars, getting kicked off of buildings, it all looked cool on film but it seemed exhausting on set.   
He heard his name called by makeup and got up. “Be careful out there, Walla.”  
“Safety third!” She yelled back, watching him walk away. 

He was running lines with one of his costars in his trailer when a runner knocked at the door. “Mr. Courtney?”  
“Yeah, mate?” He called out, waiting for the door to open. When no one came in he went down to see what was going on.   
“Um…Mr. Courtney?” The runner was a nervous looking blonde girl, barely out of her teens. She was ringing her hands together. “Ms. King fainted and someone said to come and get you.” Her words seemed like more of a question than a statement. Jai hurried pasts her, not even bothering to ask if Bea was ok.   
There was an ambulance parked at the end of the lot and they were loading Bea in. She was awake, sitting up.   
“Bear. This is stupid. Please tell them I’m fine.” She looked pissed. Bea always hated people fussing over her.   
“You know you have to go to the hospital. It’s part of protocol.” The stunt coordinator Steven was reasoning with her as the paramedics made sure she was strapped in tight and pushed the gurney into the truck.   
“I’m sorry. Only family can go with.” A paramedic stopped Jai as he started climbing in after her.   
“I’m her husband, mate. Let me in.” He pushed past and sat beside her. “What the fuck happened?”  
“I think the harness was a little too tight or something, I don’t know. I just blacked out for a moment. It’s really not a big deal.” She looked half annoyed, half apologetic. “You don’t have to come with me.”  
Jai didn’t even reply. They both knew he was going whether she liked it or not. Fucking Bea. It’s always something.


	6. Go Team Fuck Up!

“Have you been feeling dizzy? Lightheaded? Nauseous? Overly tired? Had a head injury in the last ten days?” The ER nurse was rattling off questions faster than Bea could form answers. “Have you been having trouble eating? When was your last menstrual period?”  
“Not dizzy. Nauseous but I’m hungover. I’m always tired. No head injuries. Not really hungry. I don’t know when my last period was.” She answered quickly before turning to Jai. “Bear, can I see my phone?”  
He pulled her cracked, old iPhone out of his pocket and handed it to her. She opened her calendar and scrolled, clicking dates before closing them and moving to the next.   
“My last period was December 3rd, but they’re rarely regular. Look, I’ve just been feeling a bit under the weather, I think I just overdid it to-“ The nurse shoved a thermometer in her mouth, shutting her up.   
“Are you on any form of birth control?” The nurse pulled the thermometer out her mouth and began jotting down numbers on her chart.   
“I’m not having sex.” Jai gave her a quizzical look behind the nurses back and Bea simply shrugged at him.   
“We’re going to take some blood, sit tight.” Just like that the nurse was gone, leaving them alone behind the curtain.   
“You’re not having sex? That’s rich.” Jai teased once he knew they were alone.   
“I’m not, asshole.” She lifted her phone in front of her face, pretending to ignore him.   
“What about all those dates you’ve been going on?” He leaned back in the hard, uncomfortable chair and laced his fingers together behind his head.   
“I’ve been on like three and they were all dicks.” She passed her phone back to him and he pocketed it as two younger looking nurses came in to take her blood. 

“Do you ever wonder what they do with your blood when they’re done with it? What if they keep it and do experiments and shit on it?” He’d been passing the time by stuffing cotton balls between her wiggling toes and asking stupid questions.   
“That’s a bit unethical. Probably a lot illegal. Hey! Fuck off!” She pulled her foot back from where he was tickling it with a tongue depressor.   
“Mrs. King?” A tall male doctor walked in, not looking up from her chart. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Is this your husband?”  
“Yeah.” She quickly replied. They always did this when one of them was in hospital or jail or anywhere being best friends didn’t hold the weight of the law.   
“Ok. So bad news first, you can’t go back to work today. We’re going to give you an IV and see if we can’t get you feeling a little better. Looks like you’re pretty dehydrated and a little anemic. Good news, it looks like you’re pregnant.” Suddenly the room started to pulse and move around them. Jai felt like someone had just punched him clean in the temple. He could hear them talking, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. It was all muffled and gibberish.   
“Bear? Jai? Jai!” Bea clapped in front of his face. They were alone again behind the curtain. “Bear, what the fuck?” She sounded exasperated and desperate. Like he had answers somehow.   
“You’re pregnant?” He questioned, feeling the blood drain from his face. “What the fuck, Bea. I thought you weren’t having sex?”  
“I haven’t had sex since….Oh shit.” Her eyes went wide.   
“What? What ‘oh shit’?” He scooted his chair closer to her like they were telling national secrets to each other.   
“I haven’t had sex since Gran’s old house. I haven’t taken my birth control since like the beginning of December.” She suddenly looked angry. “I thought you pulled out, you dick!”  
“I most certainly did not!” He stated bluntly, as if she had accused him of stealing her car. “I only like half pulled out…I tried…I’m not getting into this. Why would you stop taking your fucking birth control? That whole night would have gone very differently if I knew you weren’t on the pill anymore! Wait…” The gravity of the situation suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks. “Are you saying this is my…” He trailed off.   
“What the shit, Jai! Who else’s could it be? You’re the only person I’ve been with in like eight months!” Her anger was getting defensive now. He felt a little ashamed that it made him happy to know she hadn’t been with anyone else, though he’d been with more than a few women here and there out of sheer boredom and loneliness. He’d always assumed she had hookups she just didn’t inform him of.   
He did some quick math in his head. December 16th to February 24th. Seventy days. 10 weeks. 2 months 8 days.   
“You’re like 2 months pregnant!” He exclaimed, lifting her sheet to see if he’d missed something. Her belly was flat as it had ever been. “You don’t look pregnant.”  
“You have a pretty small frame, dear, so you probably will start showing soon.” They hadn’t noticed the nurse walk in. She hung an IV bag up and starting poking a finger at Bea’s arm, finding a spot to insert the needle. “I take it this is a surprise?”  
“A bit, yeah.” Jai replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket, not even knowing what he intended to do with it. He needed something in his hands to distract him before he exploded.   
“My first was a surprise too. Changed my whole world for the better!” The nurse sounded cheery now, nothing like when they had first arrived. “Do you have an OB?”  
“A what?” Bea questioned, looking like someone was trying to pull one over on her.   
“An obstetrician? Your gynecologist is probably an obstetrician too. Make an appointment when you leave here.” The older woman taped the IV tube down to Bea’s arm and made for the doorway. “You’ll be out within about an hour, depending on how thirsty your body is. Good luck!”  
“You got one of those in New York?” Jai asked. Bea hated doctors, and she hated them touching her even more. He remembered laughing hysterically at her describing her first gynecologist appointment during school. She was so disgusted she sat in the bath for over an hour afterward. He’d sat on the floor beside her, cringing but amused as she recounted the experience.   
“I don’t even have one in LA!” She laughed, pulling a bit at the IV tube, trying to wrangle her arm away from the railing of the gurney. “I haven’t been to the doctor in like three years! That’s why I stopped taking my birth control. My prescription ran out!”  
All they could do was laugh. It was ridiculous and stupid, they were stupid. They’d been fucking on and off for 13 years and now, in their thirties, was when he knocked her up by accident.


	7. Boxes

Once the novelty wore off, it wasn’t really funny anymore. Bea had to tell her boss and Jai had to tell his mum. Neither took the news well. Losing her job was one thing, but the prospect of not being able to work again for a very long time was beyond daunting.   
“How pissed at me is Karen?” Bea was sitting in the middle of her apartment eating cereal and loading clothes into boxes. She hadn’t been able to keep much down so cereal was really all that was on the menu at the moment.   
“She’s not pissed at you. She had some words for me, but she’ll come around. It’s about time for another grandkid anyway.” He was in the bedroom pulling her clothes from their hangers and tossing them out into the living room for her. She was moving back to LA, but since she couldn’t work to keep her place, she was just going to move into Jai’s spare room.   
“What are we going to do?” She set her bowl down and crawled across the floor to grab a few pairs of jeans that had fallen short in the hallway.   
“We’re going to keep doing what we’re doing until dinner and then we’re going to order Chinese.” He joked. He knew what she meant but every time they tried to talk about it she broke down crying. It was a tough sell to get her to agree to move in with him, but the other option was her moving back to Sydney and neither of them wanted to be without the other.   
They had, of course, had the long and entirely too emotional talks about whether or not they should even be parents to begin with. Jai was careful with his words, something he’d learned to do more and more over the last year. He didn’t need what he wanted to sway her into anything she wasn’t ok with, but he knew Bea getting pregnant was some kind of sign. Another tether holding them to each other.   
Helen had shrieked into the phone when Bea told her, running off to tell John without even hanging up. Bea was her oldest, the rest of her children coming 15 years later. This was going to be her first grandchild.   
They hadn’t told their friends yet. There was still plenty of time. Even though Bea wouldn’t make plans, Jai knew his apartment in LA wasn’t where they needed to have a baby. He thought about that list he had burned the night Gran died. Buy a house. Get married. Have kids. It was happening out of order, but it was happening. He was going to look for a new place when they got home. Something nice. Something with a yard.   
Vivian rubbed up against his leg and he picked her up and held her to his chest. She was starting to warm up to him, though she was still a bitch. He carried her into the living room and sat down hard on the couch.   
“What furniture in here is yours?” He asked, looking around the apartment. She’d lived there a few months, but the places the studio rented were always prefurnished and generic.   
“Um…nothing really. Just the dishes are mine, but all the big stuff stays.” She climbed up from the floor and sat on his lap. She looked tiny in his sweats and tshirt. He couldn’t imagine her carrying a Courtney baby. They were always huge. “I can get rid of most of my stuff in LA. The desk and my bed will fit in your spare room. Oh! Do you want my fridge? It’s newer than yours.”  
He inched his fingers under her shirt and pressed his palm to her belly. It didn’t feel real. She still looked the same. He still felt the same. 

…

It was nice back in LA. Spring was just beginning and the summer heat was still holding off. Bea kept her promise of getting rid of most of her stuff before moving in. Jai didn’t really care if she did or not, but she seemed hell bent on not taking up too much space.   
“Don’t unpack everything.” He stumbled into her bedroom doorway, trying to pull his boots off without falling over.   
“Why?” She was bent over the edge of the bed trying to plug something into the wall socket, her ass up in the air.   
“I think I found a place I like.” He’d spent the last few days with a realtor trying to find somewhere that wouldn’t completely deplete his bank account in North Hollywood. He had money. That wasn’t really a huge issue. The problem was that his job security had always been a bit touch and go. He was famous enough to make a good amount, but not famous enough to know he’d be making it next month, or next year, and certainly not in ten years. Buying a house was a beast he didn’t think he’d be sparring with for a long time.   
“Oh did you?” She popped up and bounced off the bed toward him. She’d stopped puking every time she turned around and was more or less back to her playful, energetic self again. “I found a midwife!”  
“Took you long enough. Did he yell at you?” They’d been home for three weeks and Bea hadn’t been able to find anyone that she wanted to deliver their baby. She was too picky, but who was he to judge. It wasn’t his body getting fucked with.   
“She seems very nice. She let me hear the heartbeat!” Even though the idea of becoming a mother made her cry constantly for the first few days, she seemed to be coming around. Jai wished he would have been there to hear it too.   
“What did it sound like?” He followed her into the kitchen where she pulled herself up to sit on the counter and cracked open a bottle of water.   
“Sounded like a heartbeat underwater.” She laughed. Neither of them were taking it as seriously as they probably should have, but that wasn’t something they were known for. They were Bear and Walla, the life of the party. Not exactly what you think of when you envision dream parents. “I talked to Steven. He’s going to see about getting me on a production in Burbank as assistant stunt coordinator. A tv show.”  
She had been going on and on about getting a job, but he liked having her around when he got home. They’d eat dinner and lay around, or ride down to the beach on his motorcycle and people watch, then go back to their respective rooms and be just roommates again. Friends that happen to be having a baby together.   
“I’m supposed to be Skyping some French director tomorrow and I’ve got that Suicide Squad shit coming up. I want to have you moved into a new place before I go work on anything.” That was the part he wasn’t looking forward to. The leaving part. A couple months didn’t seem like a big deal before, but now it seemed to matter. Now it meant missing something big. It meant not being there when Bea needed him.   
“Hey! That’s good! Remember when you couldn’t get any work? Those were the fun years, huh?” She set her bottle down and leaned back on her hands. Jai closed the gap between them and stood between her legs that were dangling off the edge of the counter. She wrapped her arms around him instinctively, lifting her head and rubbing her nose into his beard. He was still contemplating kissing her when she slid her hands up into his shirt, running her nails over his hairy chest.   
They hadn’t been together since, well, since he’d gotten her pregnant. The time never felt right. She pushed his shirt further, making him lift his arms so she could pull it up over his head and toss it on the floor. They moved slow, apprehensive. It felt like something new, and in a way it was. Things were different now.   
Jai didn’t know what room to go to so he carried her to his, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Setting her down on the bed as softly as he could manage, he pulled off the rest of his clothes. She didn’t take her time with her shirt and shorts. She didn’t have anything underneath either. Bea didn’t wear underwear unless society demanded it of her, a trait he’d always admired.   
She stretched her legs out and hooked him behind the knees, pulling him in. He caught himself on his hands at her sides, hesitating. Sex had never been something they put a ton of thought into, but now it seemed deeper, more important. Now they knew what it could do.   
“You’re not going to break me, Bear.” She reached down between them, touching him where their bodies met. “Come on, it’s the same as before.” She felt like home as he pushed into her. Warm and soft and exactly what he needed.   
She wrapped her legs around him, pulling his weight down onto her and kissing his neck, lulling him into a gentle rhythm. For the first time in their long and crazy life together, they were having completely sober sex. No drugs, no booze, no gutting grief. Just the two of them. Clear minds.


	8. Pokerface

At Orin’s.   
Bring Cash.   
–Walla

Jai snatched the post-it note off of the front door and stepped into his apartment. He’d taken a ride down to his ex’s place and stayed longer than he meant to. He wasn’t ashamed, but he sure as shit wasn’t proud. Some habits die hard.   
Poker night was Bea’s time to shine. She fancied herself an amateur card shark and had been known to hustle their friends out of few hundred dollars on a good hand. Orin lived in Jai’s complex and usually hosted the booze filled parties.   
He set his helmet on his bed and plopped down to yank off his boots. He knew he should shower, wash the smell of Bev and her sickly sweet perfume off of his skin, but he settled for changing his shirt and wandered downstairs with a cold Victoria Bitter and a freshly rolled blunt in his pocket.   
“Hey!” Bea called out above the music, her hair was up in a loose bun on top of her head, her thick bangs pasted to her forehead with sweat. It was sweltering in the apartment. Everyone was in various forms of undress, already pretty wasted. Jai took a seat next to Bea at the table where she was shuffling a new deck. “Did you bring money? I’ll deal you in.”  
“Didn’t feel like running down to the ATM.” He mumbled, hoping she couldn’t sense his bad mood.   
“You know the rules! No money, no honey!” She started dealing to the table, her hands quickly tossing the cards to the large group around her. “You alright, Bear?” She leaned into him slightly, pressing a kiss on his cheek.   
“I’m good. Just gonna go out back and smoke this.” He held open his shirt pocket for her to see the blunt within. “I’ll be back in a bit.”  
“Hey! Wait a minute! I’ll go with you.” She replied before he could get up, not looking away from her cards.   
“You sure that’s a good idea?” He whispered, eying her up and down like she’d just asked him to punch her square in the stomach.   
“I was just going to sit with you, dickhead.” She whispered back, rolling her eyes.   
By the time the game was over Bea was up $325 and everyone else was broke and ready to just get drunk. They snuck out to the back porch as discretely as they could, hoping for a quiet moment to talk.   
“What’s going on?” Bea sat on the garden wall next to Jai, sliding her hand into his and squeezing it. She always knew when something was up, good or bad. She read him like a book.   
“I went to Bev’s.” He admitted, lighting the blunt and taking a long drag. He almost passed it to her instinctively. Smoking without her felt wrong. “I don’t even know why I did it. I feel like shit.”  
“Why do you feel like shit? Nothing wrong with a booty call every once in awhile.” He didn’t know how she managed it, separating their relationship from everyone else’s. He wasn’t telling her to get a rise out of her, but it bothered him a bit that she didn’t seem to care at all.   
“I was just on my way home and her exit came up and I don’t know…I just wanted…something. Does it not bother you?” He had resigned himself to smoking the whole thing so he took another long drag, coughing heavily.   
“Should it bother me? It’s not like we’re together?” Before Jai could answer her, Orin’s girlfriend Allyson, never one to pass up a free high, stepped through the sliding glass door and made her way toward them.   
“You’re not smoking without me are you?” She cackled, already sounding pretty wasted. She pulled up one of the metal garden chairs and sat directly in front of them, taking the blunt right out of Jai’s fingers. “I’m so glad you decided to move into the complex, Bea! It’s so much more fun with you here all the time!” She inhaled deeply and blew the smoke directly at them, holding the blunt out for Bea to take.   
“I’m good, mate.” Bea took it from her fingers and handed it to Jai. They both stared at Allyson coldly, hoping she’d take the hint and leave. She didn’t.   
“Come on. You have to at least take a shot with me or something! You finally live here and don’t have to drive home and you start acting like Sober Sally!” Allyson flipped her long, blonde hair over her shoulder. She was the quintessential LA girl. Bottle blonde, deep fake tan, failing acting career. When she wasn’t drunk she was great to be around, bubbly and witty. When she was drunk she was either crying or way too goddamn loud.   
“It’s all good. I just don’t want to.” Bea tried to act like it was nothing, but it was completely suspicious. She was a party girl through and through. She’d never been to Orin’s without going shot for shot with Jai or betting someone she could punch some sort of fruit clean through. Subdued and sober was not the look she was known for.   
“What are you fucking pregnant or something? Jesus!” Allyson looked pissed for a moment before a light clicked on in her head. “Ohmygodyouare!” She spat out, looking between Bea and Jai’s guilty faces. “That’s why you moved up here! That’s why you’re living with Jai! You’re fucking pregnant and you!” She pointed at Jai, who tried desperately to change his expression to something neutral but failed. “It’s your baby isn’t it!” Allyson looked like she’d just uncovered the scandal of the century, though honestly, who at the party would have been surprised? When they were drunk they were all over each other, sometimes even stealing away to fuck in the bathroom in the middle of the party.   
“Look, Ally, this isn’t really something we’re sharing with the class right now, so if you could just hold off on telling everyone.” Bea was annoyed, that much was clear, but Jai wasn’t about to start begging. He knew full well that everyone would find out eventually. The world would find out. It would become the type of news that he’d avoided thus far. The type of news that makes it to the gossip blogs.   
“Um, no.” Allyson stared at Bea with mischief in her eyes. “I’m pretty sure this is exactly the type of shit I should share.” She got up quickly and walked inside, taking the blunt with her.   
“Fucking bitch, selling me out!” Bea laughed in feigned exasperation. The truth was, this is kind of what needed to happen. It wasn’t like she was going to send out monogrammed note cards to their slightly degenerate group of friends saying they were ‘expecting’. There wasn’t going to be some big social media unveiling for everyone to ogle at and make assumptions. They would either find out now, or when Bea started showing. Now was fine. 

By the time everyone and their girlfriend had shared a shot with Jai over the big news, they were pretty exhausted. Bea helped Jai’s stoned and heavily buzzed ass upstairs to their apartment as efficiently as a five foot tall women could manage a giant living among men.   
“I’m gonna sleep in here, Bear.” She said, pulling off his chuck taylors and trying to force open the button on his jeans.   
“Aye! Woman! Not now! I’m tired!” He protested, thinking she was trying for more than just getting him into bed. He army crawled across the bed to where his pillows were and made himself comfortable, Bea climbing under the blanket next to him. “I’m sorry I slept with Bev. I didn’t even want to once I was there. She’s just pretty and you’re pretty but different pretty and I love you. I’m sorry.”   
“It’s ok, Bear. You can do what you like.” She chuckled a bit at his rambling apology, tracing her fingers through his short hair and giving his beard a little scratch.   
“It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be with someone else when I’ve got you.” He huffed out, fighting the onslaught of sleep that was headed his way. “Be my girlfriend, Walla. Please.”  
“I love you, Bear. You’re too good to me.” She gave him a little peck on the lips and clicked off the lamp. He tried to continue his drunken begging but before he knew it his mind went black.


	9. Just Keep Your Head Above Water, Babe

Everyone knowing wasn’t terrible. They got a ton of questions, sure, but it was a pretty questionable situation. Jai’s favourite to answer was “How?” He didn’t even know how exactly to answer it. Did they want to know if it was some one time drunk fuck? A secret, scandalous affair? Something wild and interesting? His least favourite were the questions from reporters.   
First it was Good Morning America congratulating him and his ‘girlfriend’ on becoming parents. Then it was his costars talking about how surprised they were when asked if they had been told before the news broke. This press junket was shaping up to be ridiculous.   
He wasn’t naïve enough to think that his star was shining so brightly that everyone was interested in him. It was the story, not the characters that people wanted to hear about. He answered with jokes sometimes, diplomacy others, though always asking for people to respect his privacy.   
See, that was the part of acting he’d never wanted to be part of. Movie premiers and the occasional interview was fine, but at the end of the day he loved going back to where everyone knew Jai the idiot with the motorcycle and stupid laugh, and he could leave Jai the action star behind. 

 

One good thing about Bea being out of work was that she could come with him. This was his second time promoting in the same franchise and it was almost like muscle memory to talk about it. How did he train for the fight sequences? What’s it like playing a bad guy? Who was your favourite person to work with? At least he had his partner in crime with him to get into some trouble. 

“Hot wings or baked ziti? That’s all they have that isn’t Russian.” Bea asked, holding her hand over the receiver of the hotel phone. It was only 10pm but they’d been cooped up all day in hotel rooms enduring endless interviews.   
“I don’t want to eat. I want to get fucked up.” Jai was lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, his socked feet reaching out, trying to spin Bea in her chair.   
“On what? I don’t know what we can get around here.” She held onto the end of the desk, resisting his efforts to move her. “Sorry, hot wings. Ice water. What’s your best vodka? Ok great. Two martinis extra dry. Please.” She hung up the phone and jumped up from her chair, bouncing onto the end of the bed. Her little belly was showing through her tight tshirt, though the rest of her body was thin as ever.   
“Two martinis? Planning on a bit of fetal alcohol syndrome to spice things up?” Jai joked, pulling her down on top of him, her back to his chest.   
“They’re both for you, dickhead. Don’t rub it in.” She tried to pull herself back up but he held her close, sliding a hand down the front of her jeans. She let out a long sigh, tilting her hips up to give him better access.   
“You seem to like it when I rub it.” He laughed into her neck, moving his other hand up her shirt to cup her breast. “When’s the part where you get all fat and you can’t get up on your own?”  
He was just getting to the good part where she was soaking through her panties and rubbing him through his jeans, when there was a knock on the door.   
“Yoohoo, shitheads! Open up!” Miles Teller’s distinct voice boomed through the door. Bea jumped up, yanking Jai’s hand out of her jeans and giving him an annoyed look before going to open the door.   
“What’s up, man?” Jai inched himself to the end of the bed, resting his arms on his knees until the blood rushed back to the rest of his body.   
“I was going to see what ya’ll are up to since it’s a fucking ghost town out there.” It was a Tuesday night in Moscow. Surely, somewhere, there was a party raging with enough drugs and booze to kill even the most hearty of their group, but they weren’t exactly permitted to enjoy their time on the road. Miles sat down on the chaise lounge by the window and kicked off his shoes. He held a bottle of champagne by the neck, taking long gulps every few minutes. “Oh shit, were ya’ll fucking?” He looked half surprised, half interested. Bea blushed wildly, pulling her tshirt down over her belly where it had ridden up. “What’s that like? Is it weird now that you’re like…” He trailed off, pointing to Bea’s stomach.   
“It’s alright, mate.” Jai said honestly, flopping back down onto the bed. “Kind of the same, I don’t know, maybe better.” Jai and Miles had spent enough time together to be annoyingly close, but Bea wasn’t exactly shy about her sex life so he didn’t feel weird about sharing.   
There was another knock at the door and Bea let room service in, taking the plate of hot wings for herself and sitting in the rolly chair by the desk. Jai downed the first martini in two gulps and then took the other back to the bed to sip.   
“What was your plan for the night? Other than fucking?” Miles asked, taking another swig from his bottle. “I mean, I can leave if that was all you had going on.”  
“Nah, mate. I was just going to get fucked up and Bea was going to…watch me? I guess?” He stretched across the bed again the nudge her chair with his toe, causing her to drop a hot wing on her shirt. “Sorry, Walla.”  
“The mini bar’s there.” Bea pointed to the fridge tucked away in the bureau. “Knock yourselves out.” She fished a clean shirt out of her bag and went to the bathroom to change.   
“That’s gotta be tough, man. She can’t do shit anymore.” Miles said, rummaging through the mini bar and pulling out two beers, tossing one to Jai who had already finished his second martini.   
Bea had briefly done stunts for the second half of Insurgent, spending plenty of time getting more than a little wasted with Jai and Miles. She’d even instigated a few games of strip poker.   
“It’s fine. I promise not to be a downer.” She reemerged from the bathroom in another tight tshirt, this one white, showing pretty clearly that she wasn’t wearing a bra. Jai felt his stomach tie into a tight knot watching her walk to the room service tray and pick up her glass of water. Every once in awhile he’d stop looking at her like she was the same face he’d seen nearly every day since he was 12, and see her as the fantastically, torturously beautiful woman that she is. It took everything he had not to kick Miles out and bend her over the desk. 

By 1am, they were by the pool on the roof. Miles had woken Shailene up and they sat on a sun lounger laughing over Youtube videos on his phone. Jai and Bea sat on the edge of the pool, their feet dangling in. It was heated, steam rising up into the dark sky around them.   
Jai had been trying to think of something to say, something funny, something to make her smile. Before he could form an entire thought though, Bea grabbed both of his hands and slid into the water, taking him with her.   
“You should be drunk.” She whispered into his ear, coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his neck. The water was only about 5 ½ feet deep, enough for Jai to keep his head out with Bea swimming around him.   
“I was drunk. Now I’m not.” He didn’t really know how to answer her. It was like she expected something from him. Expected him to get wasted and pass out on her like he used to. Expected him to drink for two.   
He pulled her around in front of him, holding her close to his chest. Her arms were loose around his neck, fingers playing with the short hair at his nape. He could feel her hard belly pressed against him and wondered if he’d ever get used to that feeling.   
He hadn’t even noticed Mile’s and Shailene get in with them, both stripped down to their underwear. Bea gave him a peck on the tip of his nose and let go.  
“Lets have some fun.” She held onto the side of the pool, pulling her body out, water pouring off of her soaked clothes. She stood on the side looking him dead in the eyes as she slid her jeans off of her hips and stepped out of them. She had white panties on, transparent now to match her tshirt. Miles whistled behind Jai, eliciting laughter from both of the girls.   
He wanted to get out and wrap Bea in a towel, protect her from herself and her mischievous spirit. Before he could do anything she ran and jumped in, her body curling into a cannon ball and splashing water up onto him. He held his breath and let himself slip down, opening his eyes to watch her underwater. She swam down to the bottom, placing her hands on the tiled pool floor and letting her legs float up above her. She had her eyes open too, watching him, giving him a little wave before swimming back to the surface.   
The four of them swam around for over an hour, splashing water back and forth, diving in to try and pull more of each other’s clothes off. By the end they were all stark naked and Jai couldn’t take it anymore.   
Bea was getting ready to jump in again when Jai hopped out and grabbed her by the waist, being as delicate as he could. He threw her a towel and grabbed one for himself, gathering their sopping clothes. As the doors to the elevator bay closed behind them, they could hear Miles still in the pool calling after them. “At least you can’t get her more pregnant!”   
He couldn’t keep his hands off of her in the elevator, not caring about the cameras or the possibility of someone seeing. She was struggling to keep her towel up and covering her body, shivering a bit in the cold of the hotel. He nearly dragged her down the hall to their room, wrestling with his bundle of clothes to dig his key out.   
Inside it was warm. He pushed her down backward onto the bed before the door had even clicked closed. She let her towel fall open, exposing her tanned, goosebumped skin.  
“Are you cold?” He asked, his voice husky and just above a whisper. She tried to hook him behind the knees with her feet, but he grabbed her legs and pulled them apart, kneeling down at the side of the bed between them. He let his beard tickle her inner thighs, breathing heavy and hot onto where she was waiting to be touched. She bucked her hips up, trying to get closer. “Shhh, Walla. Sit still.” It wasn’t often that he got to actually take his time with her. Sex was rushed and in the moment. Something they hadn’t planned. Something they had to do right now or they’d fall apart and die.   
Now, holding her hips down and watching her writhe and wiggle and moan under his touch, he didn’t even know what he was doing. Getting her off, sure. That was the easy part. That was the part he could do in his sleep. But why did he drag her all the way here? Why did he get her pregnant and ruin her entire career and why did he let it get this far? Why couldn’t he just keep his hands off of her? Why did he let her become his entire world?


	10. Always Mad About Something

By April, Bea still couldn’t find regular work. She’d spent three weeks on a set only to be told she wasn’t needed anymore. Her and Jai both knew it was because she was pregnant. Nobody wanted to risk her even being within 100 feet of a stunt rig.  
He told her she didn’t need to work. She didn’t need to pull her own weight. He could handle it. He’d put in an offer on a house in North Hollywood, a perfect house, only to have his offer refused and the house given to someone else before he could even pick up his phone to counter it.   
They weren’t at a low. They’d been broke for two years doing pilots for shitty tv shows before. They’d lived off of less than $100 a week before. They’d been low. This was just frustrating.   
Bea was just over 4 months pregnant when principal photography started on Suicide Squad. Jai had gone straight from promoting Insurgent to pre production and had barely been home. She’d sent him pictures of her first ultrasound and a video of their tiny baby swimming around, a loud heartbeat swishing through the doctor’s office.   
He was torn between his career, the career he’d worked tirelessly for and a role he could finally have fun with, and everything he was missing back home. He’d begged her to come to Toronto. He made stupid promises he knew he couldn’t keep about being able to see her every night and making sure they did something fun on weekends, but she wouldn’t budge. Bea always insisted that his job came first. Independent to a fault, she was willing to do it all alone if it meant he got what he’d been working for.   
It wasn’t like she was a saint. They’d ended the press tour on a sour note. The house situation had turned into the relationship situation which turned into Bea ignoring him for nearly three days.   
Four weeks into filming nothing but nights in the rain, Jai was in the makeup trailer when his phone rang. It’s was a Facetime call from Bea. He straighten up in his chair where someone was fiddling with his hair and answered the call.   
“Hey Walla! Whatchu got for me?” She was lying on his couch with Vivian curled up next to her head. She had no makeup on and her hair fanned out around her and she looked like a fucking dream. Cara and Margot popped up behind him, smiling and waving, making Bea laugh and wave back. They’d never met her, but they’d snuck into Jai’s Facetime calls enough to be old friends at this point.   
“Hey Bear! Hello ladies!” Her voice was chipper and light. He hadn’t seen her in this good of a mood in weeks. “Gotta minute?” He looked at the clock on the wall. They were set to go out in 15 minutes. He had time. He nodded, hating his big smile on the screen. “Yeah? Ok. Guess where I went today?” Jai racked his brain. Things had been so wild lately he barely even knew what month it was much less what day. He shook his head, letting her know he had no clue. “I went to the doctor. Blood tests and all that. Checking to see if I’m a fatass yet.”  
“Well are you?” He joked. It was true that he hadn’t seen her from the waist down in ages. For all he knew she could have grown into a monster, though he wouldn’t mind it if she did.   
“Nah. I’ve only gained like 2 kilos. Probably going to run out and get a shake in a minute. See if I can’t change that.” She trailed off, getting hit in the face with Vivian’s fluffy tail before poking a finger into the cat’s side and scaring her off of the couch. “I got some news, but it’s your choice if you want to hear it. Boy or girl? Do you want to know? Are you in a betting mood?” Her eyes were bright. Whatever the right answer was, she was quite happy about it.   
“Hundred bucks says girl!” Cara yelled from the background. All Jai could do was smile and wait. Bea never could keep things from him. Even if he’d said no, she would have told him anyway.   
He hadn’t put much thought into what it would be like to have a daughter or son. He hadn’t made it that far yet. He was still wrapping his head around the concept of having a kid at all.   
“One hundred dollars for Cara! It’s a girl!” Her voice rang out like she was telling him she’d bought him a brand new car. He felt his chest cave in a bit like someone had punched him right in the sternum. Every time something new happened, hearing the heartbeat, watching Bea’s belly grow, now this, it all became more real, more tangible. By September he would have a daughter. “Bear?”  
“Yeah.” He snapped himself out of his thoughts. “That’s fucking nuts, Walla. What do you think?”  
“I think we should probably start thinking of names before she’s 3 years old and we’re still calling her ‘the baby’.” She teased. He looked at the clock again before looking back to her.   
“I’ve gotta go, babe. I’ll call you in the morning, yeah?” He didn’t want to go but he desperately needed a date with some nicotine to process everything. She told him she loved him, and Cara, and Margot, and kissed the screen before hanging up. 

He leaned against the concrete wall at the end of the lot and lit his cigarette. Barely two drags in, half the Skwad was rounding the lot and coming his way. Karen reached him first, lunging into him with a huge hug around his waist.   
“Hey oh my god! A girl!” Her voice was always so chipper and optimistic. It made him feel guilty for being in a shit mood.   
“You should have talked to her.” Margot cut in, matter-of-factly. “She deserves that much.” In pre production they’d spilled their hearts out to each other. Jai had unloaded his insecurities and fears, particularly about becoming a father. They all knew that Bea wouldn’t let him all the way in. They all knew that as long running as it was, their friendship was dysfunctional and riddled with problems bubbling just beneath the surface. A pressure cooker ready blow.  
“I should have been there. She didn’t even tell me.” He rubbed his eyes, forgetting the fake dirt and grime he was splattered with. He hadn’t been sleeping well. They’d had their fair share of wild nights out since filming started, but no matter what he did he couldn’t seem to escape this annoying and exhausting thoughts.   
“You two gotta work on communication, man.” Joel reached into Jai’s coat pocket and pulled his pack of cigarettes out, lighting one for himself. “Why don’t you just tell her what you want?” He was talking about Jai’s hopes for a normal relationship. Something monogamous and domestic and consistent. Something they could maintain once the baby came and Bea turned back into what she was before. He never thought he’d even want that, but it felt like breathing now. Like something he’d been doing all along without even noticing.   
“I tell her, mate. She just doesn’t listen. Always going off and doing everything on her own. It feels like she’s only telling me things out of obligation now.” It was nice to get some of it off of his chest, even though he felt like an idiot dressed as a super villain on the verge of tears. He reached up and scratched at his thick mutton chops, trying to distract himself from everything pouring over him. “I’ve asked her point blank to be my girlfriend and she just pats my head like I’m a kid and acts like it never happened.”  
“Maybe she doesn’t feel like you mean it.” Karen was still holding onto him, her tiny body tucked under his arm. “She gave you some really exciting news today and you brushed her off.” The shitty part of being to close to the rest of the cast was that they constantly knew each other’s business. Jai shot a look at Margot, knowing full well she was the one who filled everyone in on the situation. They were right, though. He had to just put everything on the table if he ever expected things to change.   
“Alright. Lets get this therapy session over with.” He stubbed out his cigarette on the wall behind him and gently pulled himself out of Karen’s grip. Later. He’d deal with everything later.


	11. Sweltering

July was in full swing and burning hot when Bea finally flew up to Toronto to visit. She always had excuses. She couldn’t find a cat sitter, or her mum was coming to visit, or she had to spend some money on her car and couldn’t afford the ticket. Jai always held his tongue and let her do what she needed to. Whatever it really was that kept her from leaving LA, she had to sort it out on her own if she refused to let him in.   
He was exhausted. He’d been filming for months in the sweltering heat while simultaneously promoting Terminator. It was like everything in his career, and life for that matter, was at a make or break moment.   
“God, you look good!” Bea wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her body into his. He let his hands fall to her sides, sliding over the thin fabric of her shirt. Her belly was heavy and round, making the rest of her look impossibly small. “Oh! Do you want to feel her?” Her eyes lit up, taking his hand and pressing it hard onto her skin. He closed his eyes and waited, feeling a tiny flutter and then a few hard thumps. He wanted to put something into words, say something, anything, to show her that he was there and present and completely dumbfounded by what was going on inside of her, but he couldn’t. All he could do was stare at her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.   
“I missed you so much it’s fucking stupid.” He planted a kiss on her smiling lips, not moving his hands from where the baby was kicking and rolling. This was their first moment alone since she’d gotten into town. They’d gone straight from the airport to dinner at Margot’s with the Skwad. The girls had kept her pretty occupied, Cara even spent a solid 20 minutes with her head on Bea’s belly having what appeared to be a full conversation with the baby within. Now it was finally Jai’s turn.   
He’d more or less cleaned up his tiny rental, making sure the bed was made for her and the fridge had something other than beer in it. It occurred to him that he didn’t even know what she ate anymore. She didn’t have to cut weight to fit some random actress’ measurements now, so what exactly was her diet like. Did she still wake up at 6am to do yoga, only to climb back into bed and sleep for another hour or so? Did she still do pushups while she waited for her food to cook or her bath to fill? Could she even do pushups while seven months pregnant?  
“I know you probably want to do something but I really need to put my feet up. I’m sorry.” She gave him an apologetic look and held onto his shoulder, kicking her shoes off and stretching her toes out. He just gave her a weak smile and took her hand, leading her into his bedroom.   
Bea wasted no time in arranging his pillows around her, two behind her back, two under her knees, one under her feet. Jai fished her water bottle out of her bag before climbing into bed next to her. She didn’t need to ask. If he knew her at all she’d be wanting it the moment he got comfortable.   
“Walla, I gotta talk to you about some stuff.” He had a pained expression on his face, knowing that this would blow up one way or another. She took a big gulp of water, holding it in her mouth for a moment before swallowing hard. “I know you don’t really take me seriously when I say it, but I want to be with you. I want to be more than whatever this is.” He gestured between them.   
“I am going to have your baby in two months. What more do you expect me to be?” She didn’t sound angry, which was surprising, she just sounded obnoxiously flippant.  
“How many differently ways do you want me to say it?” Jai was barely a minute into the conversation and he already wanted it to end. She wasn’t shutting him down. He was shutting himself down. “I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m sick of not knowing where we stand. I’m sick of trying to explain what we are to people.”  
“So that’s what you want? You want me to make some sort of commitment to you so that you look better on paper? What?” She turned to face him, ready for combat. “You don’t want to be my baby daddy? You don’t want to people to know that the King of Australia, Jai Courtney, can’t even pin down the bird he knocked up? If that’s your only fucking reason then I can just go home right now because I didn’t come here to be part some stupid fucking game. I am real and this is real and you can be up here partying and distancing yourself from it all, but I am living with it every fucking day and it is draining.”  
He waited for her to finish. He waited for the fumes of her anger to stop filling the space between them. She was dead wrong. Him wanted her had nothing to do what public relations and looking good. He didn’t give a shit if he looked like the devil himself to the rest of the world, as long as he could go to sleep at night knowing for absolute certain that Bea was his girl.   
“I need you to listen to me and just…just listen to all of it, ok?” Jai slid himself down the bed a bit, laying flat on his back and covering his face with a pillow for a moment before throwing it off of the bed and speaking to the ceiling more than anyone else. “Before we left Sydney, before Gran died, I was at mum’s and she asked me to figure out where I wanted to be in a year, five years, ten, and where you fit into all of that.” He covered his eyes with his hands, trying to clear his mind enough to just tell her everything he’d held in since that day. “When I thought of everything I wanted, all of it was with you. A house and a wife and some kids. All I thought of was you. And then all of this crazy shit happened and you didn’t want anything to do with me and now the baby, and I don’t know where we stand but I know what I want.”  
Bea raked her fingers through his hair softly, pursing her lips and watching him for a moment, waiting for him to be truly finished, before speaking.   
“I’m not the girl you marry, Jai. I’m the girl you cheat on your wife with. I’m the girl you keep in your pocket for when shit goes wrong.” Her voice was gentle and careful, but her words hit him like a cold slap to the face.   
“So is that it, then? You don’t want to be with me?” He could feel his face getting hot, tears threatening to come to the surface. It had been ages since he’d cried, but then again it had been ages since he felt so completely out of control.   
“I don’t know how to be with you.” Bea inched her way down to his side, lifting his arm to tuck herself under it. Her fingers came up to scratch at his beard softly. “I can talk you through an entire relationship with another woman but when it’s me, I don’t know how to be what you want me to be. I don’t know how to be the girl you come home to.” He could feel her tears where her head sat on his chest. “I’m really scared, and if we gave it a shot and fucked everything up I’d be left with some pretty heavy baggage. I can’t live without you as my best friend. What if we broke up? What would I do?”  
Jai craned his neck down to look at her curled up at his side. He laced his fingers into her dark hair, anchoring himself to her. He thought telling her how he felt would be the hard part, but it was hearing her side that hurt him the most.   
“I’ll always be your best friend, Walla.” He squeezed his watery eyes shut, forcing everything down enough to keep talking. “You’re such a big part of me. Being without you is like losing a limb. I don’t even know what I’m doing when you aren’t around. I never have.” He moved his hand down to her belly, stretching his palm across the bump under her shirt. “We’re going to be an actual family. That scares the shit out of me, but I want it so bad. Please, please just give this a shot.”  
Bea let out a heavy sob, shaking under his arm. He didn’t know if it was good or bad, but it was something. They laid like that for what felt like ages, her crying it out, him wondering if he’d just destroyed something before it even had a chance to start.   
After what felt like an eternity, she finally spoke.   
“Ok.” She pulled herself away from him suddenly, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the bottom of her shirt. “But you have to be all the way in this. Don’t hurt me or I’ll fucking kill you.”

That night, even with Bea constantly rolling back and forth and wandering in and out of the bathroom all night, Jai slept like a log. He felt weirdly grown up for the first time in a long time. He’d done something hard and something good had come out of it. Now all he had to do was not fuck it up.


	12. No Need To Grow Up Today

Jai never thought he’d be happy to shave. After six months with Captain Boomerang’s mutton chops and atrocious haircut, he was ready for a break.   
“Aw no! I’ll miss the chops!” Bea stood in the bathroom doorway fanning herself with a thick brown envelope. The thick heat of an LA summer had been taking a toll on her. She stopped when he rolled his eyes at her and handed over the package. “Maybe this will be the last of it.”   
The “it” she was referring to was the never ending stream of paperwork being sent back and forth between the bank, the escrow company, and Jai. They were closing on a three bedroom cottage in Calabasas by the end of the week. Or at least Jai was. Bea was still on the fence about it.   
He’d nearly had a panic attack the night his offer was accepted. The house was cute, but it needed a second bathroom, and the back yard didn’t have grass, and the neighborhood wasn’t really their style, and honestly, he didn’t like it at all. $750,000 for 1,100 square feet and he honestly couldn’t envision them in it. Bea was getting pretty close to her due date though and if there was ever a time to dive in and do it, now was that time.   
“Listen, Bear,” She sat down on the edge of the sink and faced him. He was shuffling through the papers, trying to figure out what they were even about. “I know you think this is all the right thing to do but is this really what you should be doing right now?” She reached a hand out and took the envelope from him, setting it down beside her, commanding his attention. “You’re leaving to Brussels soon and the baby will be here even sooner. It isn’t like she’s going to be running around asking why we don’t have a yard the moment she comes out.” She had a point. She’d been saying the same thing since he started looking, Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. But Jai wasn’t happy. He didn’t want to leave the apartment yet, and Bea didn’t seem to want to either. “I don’t see myself in LA years down the road. It wouldn’t hurt to just keep renting for awhile.”  
“I’m a couple grand into this already.” He replied, cocking his head to the side and running his fingers over where his beard once lived. His tone was a bit wily, and she caught on immediately.   
“Sign my shirt. I’ll sell it on eBay.” Bea laughed out, hopping up from the counter and walking to the kitchen while Jai fished his phone out of his pocket to call the realtor. No one would be happy with him, but he really didn’t ever have to see those people again. 

“It’s done. We are free to continue our hedonistic lives in the cheapest possible apartments in Hollywood.” He said, clapping his phone down onto the counter.   
“You made the right choice, Bear.” Bea said through a mouthful of food, pointing a spoon in his direction. She was leaning back against the counter with a massive bowl of AppleJacks resting on her belly. She was finally rounder in her hips and her chest, but other than the titanic bump that she followed into every room, she still looked the same. Same rosy cheeks and giant doe eyes. Same easy smile and tiny hands.   
“We should celebrate. I just saved us from spending nearly every penny to our names.” He took the spoon from her fingers and took a bite for himself.   
“Best idea I ever had.” She mused, snatching the spoon back before it even left his mouth. “What do you want to do?”  
He didn’t want to go drinking, remembering the looks they’d gotten last time she stepped into a bar with her pregnancy this obvious. He didn’t want to call anyone up. He didn’t really want to do anything other than lie around on the floor and enjoy the calm of being home. He wanted a breather to just exist with Bea like he used to.   
“I’m going to go smoke a j outside, and then we are going to lay on the carpet and watch the ceiling fan.” He pecked her on the cheek and hurried off to his room to get mildly high and pretend it was a year ago. That used to be their life together. For almost five years they’d been more or less broke and out of work in Hollywood. A couple ounces of weed was a hell of a lot cheaper than the amount of alcohol is takes to get Jai fucked up. They’d forgo all of the parties everyone was ‘networking’ at to just chill. 

Bea was already on the floor when he came in, her long hair braided to the side and thrown back beside her on the carpet. She had a sleeve of Oreos on her chest, picking one out and twisting it apart before licking the filling from it.   
“Ok. Lets name this baby.” Jai said matter-of-factly, pulling a pillow off of the couch and resting his head on it.   
“What was the girl you kissed in middle school’s name? The one who told everyone she loved you?”   
“Marigold.” He laughed at how hard it was for him to forget the most useless things. “You want to name her after some girl I kissed once?”  
“I just love the name is all. Sounds pretty, but like she could just be Mary if she wants, ya know?” He knew Bea had already made up her mind. She wasn’t one to muse for months and make lists, once she loved something, that was it.   
“What about your Gran’s name for middle?” He couldn’t for the life of him remember what it was, but it was something simple and common.   
“Katherine. Marigold Katherine.” Bea said it over and over, before reaching up and stuffing another Orea in her mouth.   
“I like it. Marigold Katherine. It’s nice.” He did like it. “Will she be Courtney or King, though?”  
“Ah, Courtney. Or we could just makeup an arbitrary surname for her. Obama or Schwarzenegger.” Bea laughed uproariously at herself. She stopped suddenly, removing the Oreo’s from her chest and grabbing Jai’s hand. “She’s going nuts! Feel!”  
He pulled her shirt up and stretched his hand across her belly. The baby wasn’t kicking, she was rolling. He was always amazed that he could feel every part of her now. He could tell which bits where her head and her feet and her back. She already had a personality, an impact on his life. And now she had a name.   
Jai scooted up closer to Bea, turning his body to lay his head on her lap. He kept his hand on the bump, still squirming and stirring.  
“You’re name is Marigold now. Marigold Courtney. Do you like that?” He didn’t feel silly talking to Bea’s belly anymore. It wasn’t a part of her body to him as much as another presence in the room. Another person. “I think you’ll like it, and if you don’t we’ll call you whatever you like, love.”  
They lay like that until the baby stopped moving, Bea running her fingers through Jai’s hair and chatting quietly about her day. She knew he wasn’t listening, but she never seemed to care. Sometimes their conversations were more like talking to themselves. They didn’t need a response, just a wall to bounce things off of.   
Jai’s mind was drifting down a million difference rivers of thought. If they were going to stay in the apartment, they had a ton of work to do. Him and Bea would have to bite the bullet and move into the same room, giving the second bedroom up for the baby. And what about Brussels? He was set to leave for filming barely a month after Bea’s due date. Were they coming with? Can you even fly internationally with a newborn?  
By the time he came back down to Earth, Bea was fast asleep on the floor. He knew he couldn’t leave her there. She’d be moaning about her back hurting all the next day if he left her to sleep.   
Slowly and carefully, he crouched down at her side and hooked his arms under her shoulders and knees, lifting her up. She stirred, but he didn’t open her eyes. He’d carried her to bed more times than he could count, though rarely sober.   
His room was a wreck with his suitcases and clothes still covering his bed, so he went to hers, setting her down as gently as he could manage. He stood there at the edge of the bed for over a minute. Part of him wanted to go back out and chain smoke while he still had so much on his mind. Another part of him just needed a few hours to escape.   
He decided to do both. It was after midnight, but a slightly stoned ride to the hills and back was exactly what he needed. A quiet moment completely alone. He’d been missing his bike like crazy lately anyway.


	13. Deep Breath and Let It Out

Jai got back to the apartment around 4 am. He hadn’t meant to be out that long but a ride to the hills turned into aimlessly cruising the quiet downtown streets fairly quickly and the lure of the quiet was irresistible.   
Surprisingly, he wasn’t even tired. He clicked on the light in his room and stared at his few possessions. One of the downsides of his job was that he never stayed home long enough to get truly comfortable. A good portion of his stuff was still in boxes in his closet.   
His room was the smaller of the two. He’d chosen it solely because it was closest to the kitchen. If he had to choose, he’d choose this one for Marigold. And since Bea was asleep, he’d just go ahead and make the call. 

Jai spent the next four hours moving his things bit by bit into Bea’s room. First his clothes into the empty space in her closet, then, as silently as he could manage, he scooted his dresser and bookshelf in too. All that was left was his bed, so he pushed his mattress into the living room, leaning it against a wall, and took to deconstructing his bed frame.   
“Bear! What the hell! Are you moving out on me or something?” Bea’s voice was husky from sleep and he hair escaped wildly from the braid over her shoulder.   
“I figure the baby can have this room since it’s a bit smaller and you can see trees from the window instead of the nasty carpark.” Jai sat back on his heels, the last pieces of his bed sitting on the floor around him. “I’ll probably just get rid of half the shit in the closet. It’s all stuff from when I moved in. I haven’t even opened those.”  
“Jesus! That was five years ago!” She went to the closet and ran her fingers over the tops of six copy paper boxes still taped shut. “Lets see what’s in them at least. Maybe something good like a box full of dildos or old sweets.”   
He laughed at her excitement, knowing that surely nothing interesting came with him from Australia when he moved to the states. He pulled a knife from his back pocket and cut open the first one, setting it on the floor for Bea to inspect.   
Sure enough it was nothing but DVDs and books. Bea sifted through them but they were all Region 4 and essentially useless.   
The second box was full of pictures and letters from his mum and sister. Little things like his first car key and exam results from high school. There were a few momentos of Bea in there too, her sunglasses, the case for her retainer, a bottle of baby pink nail polish completely crusted shut. He remembered instantly when he opened the box that he’d just dumped out the top drawer of his dresser into it while moving after drama school. His junk drawer.   
The third and fourth boxes were full of winter clothes he hadn’t needed since moving to LA, not that he even remembered they were in there. The fifth held twelve framed photos packed tightly between tshirts.   
Most of them were of him and his mates from Sydney. One was a family photo his mum had insisted he keep with him. A few were of him and Bea though, and he knew he’d be putting those up on the walls the first chance he got.   
“Oh I like this one.” She held up an 8x10 of her on his shoulders, a beer resting on the top of his head and smiles on both of their faces. She was wearing a pale blue bikini and was holding on tight to his blonde curls. It seemed like a lifetime ago, though it had only been six or seven years. They looked like children. Innocent and free before ever having left Australia. Hollywood seemed so out of reach back then, it may as well have been the moon. “Did you love me then?”  
Her question caught him off guard. How was he even supposed to answer that.   
“I’ve always loved you, Walla. Since the moment I met you.” His eyes felt heavy and his body was exhausted. This jetlag was minor, but it was still getting the better of him.   
“But like you do now. Did you love me like that?” She stuffed the frames back into the box and closed the lid, shifting her weight from her knees to her butt to sit more comfortably.   
“I didn’t know what this was back then. This kind of love, I don’t know, I probably would have passed out if I’d tried to think about it.” He was being totally honest. When they were young, they didn’t take the time to talk about feelings or what things meant. They just did whatever felt good in the moment and dealt with the fallout whenever it came. More often than not, it never came.   
Jai couldn’t pin down a moment when all of that changed. When just fucking around turned into something else. When best friends turned into this. It wasn’t that it was bigger now. For the most part, the feelings were the same. They’d grown to take on new meaning, but the comfort and consistency of their relationship was still what held them together. Knowing someone better than you know yourself. One mind in two bodies.   
There’s something to be said for someone you can act like a complete idiot in front of who still wants to sleep with you at the end of the day. No terrible dancing or double chinned Snapchat could ever put them off of each other and that’s where other relationships always failed. Jai never could find a woman who did more than just put up with him. Bea was his only equal, and he aimed to keep it that way.   
“If you’d told me back then that you’d be a big movie star and I’d be having your baby, I’d probably have kicked you in the balls.” She remarked, hoisting herself off the floor and pecking him on the top of the head. “I’m going to take a bath. Get some sleep, Bear.”  
Through a yawn he looked over the now mostly empty room. He’d finish the rest tomorrow. There was no rush. 

 

Jai was just barely asleep when he heard Bea yell out from the bathroom.   
“Ah shit! Shit shit shit!” Her voice was annoyed, but turned to panic quickly, forcing him up to check on her.   
“Walla, you good?” He yelled through the door. She opened it still in her pyjamas with the bath running behind her. There was a big puddle under her and her pants were soaked through. “Did you piss yourself?” He chuckled at bit at her plight.  
“No, dumbass, my water broke.”


	14. No Going Back Now

She pushed past him, waddling to her bedroom and peeling her wet pants off. Jai turned the water off and pulled the drain plug.   
“Is that- Isn’t it early for this?” She didn’t seem worried so he wasn’t, not entirely at least. She’d gotten to the point where the midwife was seeing her every week so he figured it was probably about quitting time for Marigold anyway.   
“I mean, a bit. No? Not really? I don’t know. I don’t feel anything. Just like my muscles are tight not like anything major.” She was standing naked in her room, looking at herself in the mirror of her armoire. He stood next to her and placed a hand on her belly. It deal feel tight, harder than it had the night before, but then again it looked like she’d just dropped about a gallon on the bathroom floor. “I’m going to clean myself up, and then I’m going to call the midwife, and you’re going to take a nap because the last thing I need is you passing out when I’m in the middle of having this baby.”  
All Jai could do was laugh. Bea got bossy under pressure, she always had, but he knew she could handle anything. All he had to do was be with her and be present. That’s all she ever asked of him. 

He woke again nearly four hours later to the doorbell ringing.   
“Bear! Can you get the door?” Bea’s voice was muffled, but echoed off of the bathroom tiles across the hall. As he walked by he could see her sitting in the tub with a towel rolled behind her neck. She had her eyes closed tight and both hands on her belly.   
“Jai! Is it time?” Vashti Whitfield was at the door when he opened it. She was one of their closest friends, through thick and thin, though they didn’t get to see her or their godchildren as often as they liked. Every time they returned to Australia, Vashti was one of their first stops.   
“I don’t know. I’ve been asleep.” He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling exceedingly incompetent. “She’s in the tub.”   
Vashti had been in LA for a conference, but decided to stay when she realized how close Bea was to her due date. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wait long. She marched straight to the bathroom and knelt down next to the edge of the tub, giving Bea a long kiss on the forehead.   
“Have you been timing?” She asked, placing an open palm on Bea’s belly. Jai stood in the doorway and watched. He was always amazed at how women just knew what to do. Maybe they researched things men never even thought about and just stored the information away in the backs of their brains, or maybe it was instinct.   
“They’re about 5 minutes apart. Not really very strong, but my back is killing me. The hot water is helping.” Her voice trembled a bit and Jai mentally cursed himself for being in bed while she was going through all of this.

The next few hours were a haze. Bea moved from the bath to the couch, to the floor supported by Jai where she moaned and cried, but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. The midwife came and bustled around the house with Vashti, checking on Bea every so often, but mostly leaving her to do her thing.   
At hour seven, Bea got back in the bath, tears streaming down her face, and chugged down a whiskey sour. It was her first drink since that nasty night in New York and he was sure it would hit her quick. The tub water was tinted pink with her blood, but she seemed more relaxed instantly. Jai took a moment to have a cigarette on the back porch and collect himself.   
“Are you alright, love?” Vashti’s voice stunned him for a moment. The sun was just setting and it was one of those rare moments where he forgot that he lived in one of the largest cities in the world. He felt entirely lost like he was floating away from everyone and everything. Things were becoming too big and too real and his brains natural inclination was to dissociate.   
“We’re not ready.” He mumbled, taking another drag of his cigarette.   
“No one is ever ready. But Bea’s in there about to push this little girl out and honestly, for awhile anyway, all she’s going to need is the two of you.” Vashti wrapped him up in a big hug and held him close for several minutes, just letting it sink in. Yes, there were a million things to do, but at that very moment, all he needed to do was help Bea. He had gotten her into this, and he had to see her through it. 

When they went back in, Bea was kneeling on the living room floor with her head resting on the couch. The midwife was crouched behind her, rubbing her back and urging her on.   
“Bear!” Bea called out when she heard the sliding glass door close. “Please help me.”  
Jai sat down next to her, lifting her upper body and resting her on his chest. She was sweaty and tense, rocking her hips back and forth, breathing heavily.   
“I don’t know what to do.” He whispered into her hair. “Tell me what to do.”  
“Just this. Just stay here.” Her hand reached out for his, lacing their fingers together and squeezing hard. He felt like they were in a tunnel. He could hear the midwife counting behind her, Vashti telling her she was going great, but it was all garbled and muted. All he could really hear was her breathing.   
Suddenly, without warning, her body went limp, erupting into sobs and gasps. From behind her he hear the faintest cry, crackly and wet. It got louder and louder until it filled the room.   
Jai hooked Bea under her arms and helped her into a sitting position with her back against the couch. The floor was a complete mess, towels and sheets containing most of it, but he’d deal with it later. Kids were messy start to finish, or so he’d heard.   
“Ten fingers and ten toes, and definitely a girl!” Vashti took the baby, wrapped up tightly in a lavender blanket, and rocked her in her arms for a moment before handing her over to Bea.   
“Hey baby.” Bea whispered, holding her close to her chest, still covered in sweat and heaving. Marigold stopped crying at her mother’s voice. She had a chunky little face and the tiniest hands imaginable. She was perfect. “I’m your mummy, and this is your daddy. He’s my Bear. He’s going to make sure you’re always safe.”  
Jai tried to speak, but he just couldn’t. Nothing would come out. Everyone had told him that being a father changes you, but he wasn’t prepared for the instant effects. Suddenly nothing outside of that room mattered at all.   
“Lets get you into bed, love.” Vashti broke them from their moment gently. The midwife was carrying a heaping bowl of what looked like absolute gore over to the kitchen counter and that was their signal that the actual birth part was over.   
Jai would be kidding himself if he said he wasn’t nervous to hold Mari. When Bea handed her over to hoist herself off the floor, supported by Vashti of course, he felt his skin go hot and prickly. Nothing had ever felt so light and miniscule as the bundle in his arms.   
He carried her into their room and sat down on the edge of the bed while the women got Bea situated. Mari had his blue eyes, for now at least, but the rest of her was still a squishy, squirmy mess. She didn’t cry when he held her. She whimpered at first, but once he softly bounced her in his arms she calmed down and just stared. It was like she knew he was there just for her.   
“We’re going to take her into the kitchen and weigh her and clean her up. Other than that, she looks completely normal and perfect.” The midwife held her arms out to take the baby. He didn’t want to give her up, even for a moment, but he needed that instant with Bea.   
“Walla, you did so good.” He crawled up the bed to sit next to her. She was sitting on an absolute throne of towels and pads to catch the mess that she was left with. As undignified as that was, she didn’t seem to mind at all. Jai reached out and swept the sweaty hair pasted to her forehead to the side. “You’re a mum now. I guess that make you a milf.” All he got for his joke was rolled eyes and a little chuckle, but it was good enough.   
“No offense, Bear, but after that I’m not sure I ever want to have sex again.” She bent forward, a pained look on her face, and grabbed the edge of the quilt, pulling it over herself. It was sweltering hot in the apartment, but she was shivering.   
“That’s fair.” He leaned back into the pillows and put his hands behind his head. All that was left now was the rest of their lives.


	15. Bye Bye Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out things may not be editted as meticulously. I'm just posting whatever is in my Word doc. If there is some weird grammar or it flat out doesn't make sense at all, please let me know and I'll fix it. As always, thanks for reading! Let me know what you think either here or on my tumblr (bearandwalla)

Mari was growing like a weed. She had gained nearly 2 kilos in her first two months on earth, and Bea was feeling the pressure. Jai did everything he could, but the feeding part was up to her.   
“My boobs look scary.” She was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with her shirt pulled up while Jai bathed Mari. She’d always been pretty much flat chested, but things had certainly changed.   
“I don’t agree.” He waved an arm behind him and Bea instinctively placed a towel in it. He wrapped the squirming baby up and carried her to their bed. They were taking their time making Mari’s room perfect. She wasn’t really going to sleep in it for awhile anyway. Sometimes Jai went in their just to sit in the rocking chair and read scripts in silence.   
The first couple weeks had been a bit tough, but they hit a comfortable rhythm pretty quickly. Bea was even back to her early morning yoga and bizarre, completely plant based diet. Things were going to change though, and soon.   
“Can you grab the grey suitcase out of the hall closet? That one’s bigger.” He called down the hall, holding Mari up in her fresh nappy and blowing a raspberry into her stomach. The baby gave him a surprised smile so he did it again. Smiling was new and fun, but he couldn’t wait for her to laugh.   
Bea came in dragging the heavy case behind her and hoisted it up onto the bed. Neither one of them was looking forward to him leaving, but it was only two weeks and then they’d be out to see him.   
“Maybe I’ll just pack you last and no one will notice.” Jai whispered to the baby before handing her off and rummaging through his dresser.   
“Now remember, Bear, if they tell you to get naked you say ‘How much are you paying me?” Bea joked, sitting cross legged on the floor and bouncing Mari on her knee.   
“It’s not a Jai Courtney joint unless I show at least my ass. You know that.” He wasn’t looking forward to leaving in the least, but acting again was certainly exciting, even if it was a World War II drama that most likely no one would see. 

Getting on the plane was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do. Mari didn’t know life without him holding her every day, and honestly he struggled to remember life before her too. She seemed completely engrained in him now. 14 straight hours in the air to sleep, or read, or do nothing at all, wasn’t too bad though. 

The instant he got to his hotel room he telephoned home just to check in. It seemed like every moment of his day for the next couple weeks was spent either talking to Bea or waiting for a free moment to text her.   
His biggest fear was missing something. It would have to happen eventually. Two weeks is a long time for a baby.   
“Good morning.” Bea sounded groggy and exhausted. It was 8 am for him, but 11 for her. They used to be night owls, staying up until the wee hours together, but now sleep was a hot commodity.   
“Hey, Walla. How are you feeling?” He felt terrible. She’d been fighting a cold for days. Every time he talked to her she’d been sniffling and sneezing. “Any better?”  
“Mari is sapping every ounce of health out of my body, but I’m getting better.” Bea never really talked about herself anymore. It was part of motherhood, sure, but he missed hearing about all the weird shit going on in her head. She used to tell him about her dreams. Not the aspirational kind. Her literal, strange, unicorn riding, sometimes oddly sexual dreams. Now everything was about the baby. He doubted she was even sleeping long enough to dream anyway. “Mari is almost 5 kilos! She saw the doctor this morning. I thought she was getting sick too but she seems fine now. How are you?”  
“I’m alright. This is a pretty easy shoot honestly. Even the sex scenes are fairly tame. Just dialogue out the ass.” He listened to her let out a long yawn. “What time is your flight tomorrow?”  
“We’ll get in around 6 pm your time. Have dinner ready for me, please Bear.” She yawned again, this time muffled like she was trying to hide it. “We’re all packed and ready to go!”  
“Listen, Walla, I know I don’t really say it enough and you don’t like to hear it, but I love you like crazy. You’re amazing.” Lately she’d scoff when he’d tell her how much he needed her. Though she’d agreed to be his girlfriend for all intensive purposes, it didn’t really mean much seeing as they’d never even been on a date. Parenting together was more or less smooth, but any semblance of their love life had gone completely out the window.   
“I can’t keep my eyes open, Bear.” She said through yet another yawn. “Mari is sleeping, but I’ll put you on speaker and you can say goodnight to Vivian.”  
It wasn’t lost on him that she hadn’t said she loved him back. Leaving him to speak to the cat was just another one of her comical cop outs.


	16. Colder Weather

“Did you bring a smile for Daddy?” Jai said between raspberries on Mari’s belly. She gave him what he wanted, a huge, toothless smile, limbs flailing around joyfully. According to Bea, Mari did well on the flight, mostly sleeping and nursing back and forth. It was clear Bea hadn’t had a moment of rest.   
After scarfing down dinner and lying motionless on the floor for almost an hour, she’d finally gotten up and dressed. She’d agreed, reluctantly at first, to having some help. A few years ago there was no way they’d be able to afford a nanny. Now it not only seemed reasonable, but necessary.   
“I feel like I’m paying someone to raise her for me.” Bea wiggled her body into a pair of tight jeans. She’d more or less lost the baby weight. She was still much softer around the edges, but somehow stronger at the same time. Motherhood suited her.   
“You can only be apart three hours at a time anyway. Even if you wanted someone to take over for you, it wouldn’t be for long.” Jai wasn’t trying to pass the buck by any means. He’d actually grown to miss changing nappies in the middle of the night. Bea simply rolled her eyes and made her way to the kitchen where the nanny was waiting.   
“Have you ever worn one of these?” Bea grabbed her baby carrier off the couch and approached the nanny, holding it out. Maxine was barely 20 with long blonde hair and a thick but petite build. She had a kind face though, and that was what ultimately changed Bea’s mind. The ten positive references and infant first aide certifications didn’t hurt either. “If you’re going anywhere or she’s really fussy, just wear her close to your chest and talk to her and she’ll be happy and calm. She eats every three hours, I’ll set an alarm on my phone. If you have questions about anything just ask me.”  
Jai watched her from the doorway, Mari happily cuddled against his bicep. Bea was always a bit of a control freak, but she hadn’t spent a moment away from the baby since she was born. He was wondering how long she could even last before rushing right back to her.   
The handoff had gone well. Mari seemed to like Maxine’s sweet, sing-song voice and silly Belgian accent. Bea was apprehensive, but Jai swept her away as quickly as he could, not letting her second-guess herself.   
They didn’t really have plans. It was just a trial run. The early winter weather was beautiful so they decided to walk around the city for a bit and just breathe. It seemed like exactly what Bea needed. 

“You look good.” She tucked herself under his arm on a park bench, watching other couples, actual couples, stroll along happily. “I missed your dumb face.”  
“Is that as affectionate as you’re going to get?” He could feel his joke fall flat as if it were a tangible balloon losing air right in front of him. At the airport, he’d tried to kiss Bea but she’s managed to sidestep him and left him hanging awkwardly.   
“I don’t know what you want from me.” She mumbled, squirming restlessly. He could feel it happening. Something was going to blow up. Maybe not now, but soon. He’d been in Bea’s life long enough to know when she was close to breaking.   
He looked at his watch. They’d been out for nearly two hours. It was cold and he was exhausted in every sense of the word.   
“Let’s head back. We’ll get some sleep and everything will be good tomorrow.” He was surprised by how quickly Bea sprung up. She held his hand on the way back and even just that felt like a win. 

“Mari really seems to like Maxine!” Bea was sitting in the massive, claw foot tub with her hair in a loose bun on top of her head. They’d put the baby in her cot right outside of their door after she’d eaten. The day’s excitement had worn her out and she was sleeping peacefully for the time being.   
Maxine was going to be moving into the second bedroom of their massive suite at the end of the week. Bea had voiced many times that it felt ridiculous to have a nanny while she wasn’t working, but Jai saw it as one of the few upsides of his job. Why toil your life away trying to make it big if you can’t do some rich people shit every once in awhile?  
“Yeah, she’s a sweet girl.” He sat down on the tile floor and leaned his back against the wall, an entirely too strong martini clutched in his hand. “Walla, let’s talk.” The words felt cursed the moment they left his mouth, like he was starting some shit he wasn’t interested in finishing.   
“I’m pretty sure we’re talking right now.” She chuckled nervously, slipping a little lower into the water.   
“What’s going on with you?” He didn’t give her a chance to make up some lame excuse. “If you’re just totally engrossed in being a mum, that’s fine, but I feel like you’re trying to distance yourself from me more and more and I just want to know why? What did I do?”  
“I don’t…” She trained off, slipping underwater for a second and then coming back up to finish. “I don’t mean to. I just feel so different and I don’t know if it’s you at all but it’s definitely me. I feel like…I don’t know. I feel like I’m in my own world and you’re in yours and they just aren’t the same anymore.”  
“I think that’s normal.” He downed his martini and reached up to set the glass on the counter. “I think we’re supposed to feel like this.” He wasn’t entirely convinced, but Bea’s rare willingness to explain herself brought him ease.   
“I want to have this amazing relationship and I want to be excited when magazines call me your girlfriend and all that, but I feel like I’m losing my identity.” She turned her tiny body in the tub to face him, her feet hanging out over the side. “I read an article about you that said ‘Aussie action star Jai Courtney and girlfriend have first child.’ Like that was the whole headline. I fucking pushed a baby out and I’m ‘Aussie action star Jai Courtney’s girlfriend’.”  
“What do you want me to do about it?” He didn’t mean it sarcastically. He meant it literally. What could he do to make her feel better? What could he do to help her regain the independence she’d lost?  
“I want to work. I want to do something. Even if no one knows my name, I want to at least have a reason to be upset when people don’t care about me.” Bea lifted her hands up and blew bubbles out across the bathroom. Most of them landed on Jai. “Listen, Bear, I love your career and where it’s taken us and the adventures we’ve had, and I love that you gave me Mari and everything that comes with her. Honestly, I never thought I’d like being a mum. It always looked miserable, but she’s the best thing that ever happened to me. All that is good and well, but I still have dreams. I still want to do something with my life outside of being your sidekick.”  
“Remember when you wanted to be a racecar driver?” Jai brushed the bubbles off of his pants leg and slid down even further on against the wall trying to get comfortable.   
“I still want to be a racecar driver.” Bea mumbled before slipping down under the water again. In the distance Jai could hear Marigold whimpering in her cot. She’d need to eat soon.   
He let Bea float awhile in silence as he went to check on Mari. She was lying wide awake in her cot kicking the air above her. She wasn’t crying yet, but she was certainly gearing up for it.   
“Lets give Mummy a break.” He said to her, lifting her up into his arms. “It’s just you and me, kid.” He carried the three month old to the window and looked out at the city lights. “When Mummy and I were little kids we used to talk about traveling all over the world. We’d never even left Australia. You’ve already travelled more than we did until we were in our twenties.” Mari gurgled and kicked some more. She’d recently discovered her feet and all the extra movement she could gain with them. Jai smiled at their reflection in the darkened window. She was so minuscule in his arms, but she seemed like an equal in the conversation. “You’d really like Sydney, I think. Lots of people like Mummy and Daddy there.”


	17. A Little Shaky, A Little Sharp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For no reason at all, this chapter is in Bea's point of view. I've been telling it through Jai's eyes more or less, so I decided to switch it up this time and see the other side, especially since she's having some major internal conflict at the moment.

Jai hadn’t really planned on taking a break. It had been ages since he actually considered a holiday. Somehow, though, scheduling had turned out just right and allowed them two entire months of freedom.  
They’d spent a week in LA after leaving Brussels doing literally nothing. Bea and Mari alike had both grown extremely close to Maxine, but once work started back up, they had plans to move her to LA. Maxine had been absolutely buzzing with anticipation at the prospect.  
Fortunately, jetlag didn’t seem to matter to Mari, who didn’t exactly have a sleep schedule to begin with, so the 15 and a half hour flight to Sydney didn’t phase her one bit. She was turning into quite a globetrotter.  
“Give me that baby!” Vashti nearly screeched when Jai and Bea appeared at her door. She’d been expecting them, but the excitement in the house was electric. Bea handed over the squirming five month old and made her way for the kids, lifting them each up in massive hugs.  
“God, I missed you guys!” Jai wasted no time, lying on the floor and wrestling with them, letting them pretend to beat him up. They were his godkids after all. Long before Marigold came into the world, he’d made a very real promise to their father that he’d do his best to fill the hole he left behind. There was no way to fill Andy’s shoes, they all knew that, but every visit was a special occasion. They knew he loved them.  
“How was your flight? Everything well?” Vashti sat down on the floor with her back against the couch and Mari between her knees. The baby had just started sitting up on her own, wobbling from time to time and tumbling over fairly often.  
“It was fine. I didn’t sleep a wink, of course, but I had a nap when we got to Bear’s parents’.” Bea was in the kitchen making herself a cup of tea. She’d grown closer to Vashti since the birth. They’d been good friends before, having known each other since the Spartacus days, but their link was cemented when she helped deliver Marigold.  
Vashti got up from the floor and picked the baby up, carrying her on her hip. She stood next to Bea, leaning in close to keep Jai out of the conversation.  
“And how is that going? Being at Jai’s parents’?” It was a loaded question. There had been tensions since the pregnancy. Nothing really negative, but just massive question marks floating through the air. Even for a family as informal and loving as the Courtneys, the undefined edges of Jai and Bea’s relationship was difficult to understand. Everyone wanted a love story. Something relatable to wrap their heads around. No one was ever happy with the love-child-among-friends narrative.  
“I always feel like they’re waiting for an announcement.” Bea leaned against the counter and watched Jai in the living room with the kids. They were building guns with Legos now and pretending to shoot each other with them. “I just don’t even know how to explain myself to them.”  
“You don’t need to. You’re not doing anything wrong.” She was right. It didn’t make things easier, but she was definitely right. “What about you two?” She gestured between Bea and the scene in the living room. “Have you been working things out?”  
The last time Bea and Vashti had spoken at any length on the phone, they’d just returned to LA and blown up into a massive fight that left them trading off who’d sleep on the couch for several days. Honestly, she couldn’t even remember what the fight had started with. Probably something mundane like clothes left on the floor or the toothpaste lid not closed. All she knew was that by the end of it Jai had ridden on his motorcycle and left her a paranoid mess. He’d sworn up and down that he hadn’t gone off and slept with someone, but even if he had she couldn’t really blame him.  
“Well, we haven’t had sex in six months, so that’s about where things are.” Bea admitted, taking a long gulp of her tea. “Part of me wants him to just say enough is enough and move on. It would be easier to be mad at him than to feel guilty all the time.”  
“Do you want to sleep with him?” Vashti pretended to cover Mari’s ears, something that elicited a hilariously annoyed look from the baby. “What about when you had the nanny? You didn’t even try to screw around a little?”  
“I can’t even explain it. I look at him and, god, he’s just so perfect. But I can’t seem to cross that line. We’ve barely even kissed each other since before he left for Brussels.” She’d spent more time that she cared to admit over analyzing her fears regarding sex. It wasn’t necessarily a body issue. Jai had seen her in every form and he didn’t seem to feel any differently about her. It wasn’t even a lack of attraction to him. She still got that knot in her stomach when she’d watch him get out of bed in his boxers in the morning, his hair a mess and his voice husky and tired. There were times at night, cuddled up under his arm, when she’d wanted to rub her ass up against him and get him worked up. He’d cornered her a few times, copping a feel in the kitchen, or trying to make their goodbye kisses into a little bit more, but for the most part he was giving her time. Letting her do what she needed to do.  
That was what had started her paranoia. He’d never really had an issue saying no to her before. If she was too drunk or too pissed off or too bitchy, he’d brush her off. That was before they’d decided to try and make a relationship work though. She’d always just assumed that when he said no to her, he’d just gotten off elsewhere. He always kept a few bootycalls on the back burner just in case. Now, when they were half a goddamn year into unintentional celibacy, it would make sense that those old bootycalls were making a comeback. 

The air at the Whitfield house got much lighter as the day went on, and by the time they left they were all in great moods. Vashti had a way of bringing that out in them. She wasn’t just all wise words and strong hugs, she was energy and love and family all wrapped up one person. She knew when to ask the questions and when to let it be.  
It was late by the time they got back to Jai’s family home. After splashing in the pool and watching the older kids play all day, Mari was completely gasses. They laid her down without fuss and Jai went off to take a shower, leaving Bea to think over the conversation from earlier.  
What was stopping her? What was keeping her from showing him any affection? She finally decided to just break the seal and marched straight for the bathroom.  
Inside, the shower had the whole room fogged up. She crept in without making a sound, closing the door softly behind her and locking it. She slipped out of her sundress, letting it pool at her ankles. She stood like that for what felt like ages, just trying to talk herself into making her move.  
“Bear?” She spoke softly, not wanting to startle him, and pulled back the shower curtain a few inches to step in. He was rinsing shampoo out of his hair, the water rolling off of his chest and down his abs in just the right way to remind her of what she was there for.  
“What’s up, baby?” He looked surprised, but moved to the side to let her get under the water with him. She placed her trembling hands on his chest and kissed him, letting it go for longer than she had in months. He circled an arm around her waist and pulled her in, leaning down to run his lips over her neck.  
Bea could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She hadn’t felt this way since she was a teenager. There was a sort of desperation to her movements. Needy hands grabbing and clawing and stroking.  
Jai played along, though he let her take the lead. It had been a long time since she’d felt his skin on hers, his heat permeating every inch of her body. When his hands finally reached between her legs she had to fight the urge to grab at him and move things along. No, this needed to be slow. They needed to take their time.  
Bea turned to press her chest against the cold tile, pulling him toward her, trying to get him to fuck her from behind. Trying to bring back that familiar nasty feeling.  
“I want to see your face.” He whispered into her hair, grabbing her by the waist and turning her to face him. The hot water was making her dizzy, but she grounded herself by looking into his eyes. She didn’t really look at him anymore. Not how she used to. His thick beard, his soft lips, the way his expression went dark and serious when he knew she was his.  
Jai backed her into a corner of the shower and pulled her leg up to his waist, reaching between them to touch her. Slowly at first, slowly enough to build the ache, reminding them both of just how long it had been. Bea slid her hands down his body and pulled him as close as she could get him, lining him up with her entrance. He braced both hands on the tiled wall behind her and pressed into her inch by inch.  
It felt better than she’d remembered, somehow new and easily familiar all at once. She pressed her forehead to his wet shoulder, sticking their skin together, and let him drive into her. Her calves were getting tired from standing on her tippy toes, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.  
Bea reached her hands behind him and ran her nails down his back lightly, letting them slide over every muscle as they contracted and released in his movements. She felt more present than she ever had before, more appreciative of the way he reacted to every whimper and every moan, working her towards orgasm with the kind of skill you only gain for years of practice. He knew her body better than anyone. He’d been the first to touch her, the first to make her cry out and sit bolt upright in bed, heaving and convulsing from the new sensation. He’d studied her like a book, learning with every touch. She’d never taken the time he had, not that his body was somehow as complicated and mysterious as hers. But she realized it now, the effort he’d put in.  
Suddenly, the knot in her belly began to tense, then release. One step forward and two steps back. The neglected part of her fought back, not wanting to give in. Jai felt it, her tightening around him, her eyes pressing shut in concentration.  
“Come on, baby.” He urged her on, knowing how close she was. His voice was calm and soothing.  
“I can’t.” She breathed out, ready to just give in and let the experience be what is was. Great, amazing, fantastic, but not orgasmic. “I can’t, Bear.”  
“Just let go.” He reached between them and pushed the pad of his thumb to her clit, pressing tiny circled into her. She could feel his heart pounding in his chest, but his voice remained composed and collected. She took a deep breath and stopped thinking, stopped trying to make something happen, stopped trying to be someone that he wanted to fuck at midnight in his parent’s bathroom. She stopped being the mother of his child or his best friend or the woman who wouldn’t give him her heart no matter how many times he ripped his out and handed it to her. For once, Bea just let the moment wash over her. “Just let me make you feel good.” His words got her there, but his arms wrapping around her back and his fingers lacing into her dripping hair kept her.  
When she stopped gasping and shaking, she had to laugh at him pulling out a little too soon, having to finish himself off, not willing to make the same mistake twice. She ran her hand over his hairy chest as he came, taking in his staggered breath and blotchy blushed skin. He’s one of those men you just don’t see every day. One of those men that makes everyone else look ordinary and boring. She swore she’d stop to appreciate him more often.


	18. Please Don't....Or Do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter everyone! Thank you so much to everyone who read and enjoyed this little story. I wrote the whole thing in two days completely on a whim. A very special thank you to everyone who sent me messages and were so supportive! You're all so fantastic! Enjoy!

The microwave started beeping the second Jai sat down. He looked into the kitchen, but Bea was still changing Mari, so he got up reluctantly, eying his own food slowly getting cold on the table.   
“I was going to get that! Sorry!” Bea rushed in, holding the baby in only her nappy and a tshirt. Her curly blonde hair was sticking up wildly in the back after what must have been an eventful nap.   
Jai simply shrugged and reached out, taking Mari into his arms and rubbing his beard against her face softly. Half the time she laughed when he did it, the other half she’d get a death grip on the hairs and have to be pried off.   
He watched Bea bustle around the kitchen getting Mari’s food ready, her tight, worn out old jeans threatening to rip open every time she bent over. Mari yanked at his beard, making him wince, but he kept watching. She hadn’t worn her hair down in ages, but it fell in chocolate brown waves down her back and past her waist. She had his white tshirt on, tied in a knot to keep it from looking like a dress on her tiny frame. She was beautiful. No, that word felt hollow. The sunset and really well restored classic cars were beautiful. Bea was more than that. She was gorgeous, striking. The kind of beauty that surprises you, catches you off guard, makes you forget what you were talking about.   
“Bear?” She was standing in the doorway giving him a curious look, two tiny bowls of green mush in her hands. “You good?”

Dinner was all laughs and banter. Jai’s sister had come into town to see her niece before returning to work. They had a few days left in Sydney to just relax.   
“What do you think you’ll get up to when you head home, Walla?” Karen asked, passing her a bowl of rice. “No rush, but do you think you’ll want to work again, or just enjoy the mummy life?”   
“I wouldn’t mind getting back into work. It’s physically a tall order, but by the end of the year I’d like to see if I can get on a set or two.” Bea was effortlessly multitasking, feeding Mari while taking tiny bites of her own food when she got a chance. They’d been in Sydney for five weeks and it was amazing how much the little one had grown. “I can’t really do too much work as long as she’s nursing.”  
“Do you two have plans for another one at some point?” Jai’s dad said, taking a long gulp of his beer.  
“Chris!” Karen spit out, giving him a surprised look. “You can’t just ask that!”  
“What? They’re not getting any younger! What are you now? 32? No time like the present.” He gave them a big smile, clearly pleased that he had added something new to the somewhat stale conversation. They’d more or less run out of things to talk about weeks ago. Not that anything was tense, it was just a long visit with people who already knew them entirely too well.   
“I uh…” Jai started, kind of losing his train of thought a bit. “I don’t think it’s something we’ve really thought about at all. Mari is enough. We’ve got so much going on.”  
“So you would?” Chris pointed his fork between them. “You would have another together? If you weren’t busy and all that.” Karen looked like she was seconds from blowing an O-ring. “Calm down, Karen. I’m just messing with them.”  
“If I were going to have another baby with anyone, which I don’t plan to, I would pick Bear.” Bea reached over and poked him in the ribs. “It turned out pretty well for us the first time.”  
Jai felt his face go incredibly hot. He knew no one was looking at him, but he felt like the world was finding out some big secret. They’d spent so much time just trying to figure out how to be a couple, that they hadn’t even had the basic discussions about where their life together was headed and what that could mean in the future. Was there even a future for them, or were they going to just sit in this limbo forever? The comfortable pillow of safety in familiarity that had more or less kept them tied to one another since they were children.   
Truthfully, he didn’t mind it just as it was. Things were actually pretty good at the moment. Ever since Bea had snuck into the shower with him that night, they’d been able to bring the physical aspects of their relationship back to life, and with it came the fun that had been fading gradually. They could play again, wrestling in the water at the beach and seeing who could make the most chins in every family picture Karen or Helen tried to take of them. He felt like he had his best friend back. Why would he fuck with the formula?

That night, after Bea had fed Mari, Karen took the little girl and sat with her in the recliner in the living room, rocking her to sleep while she watched her shows. Jai had been working on fixing up the bike he’d bought way back in high school. It never really ran properly and mostly just took up space in the garage. Now, though, he was sure he’d gotten it running perfectly.   
They rode out to where they used to hide out as kids, a small patch of beach that not many people knew about. It was a bit of a hike, but Jai carried two thick blankets and Bea carried a bottle of wine.   
The spot was just how they’d left it, and they curled up together in the blankets looking up at the stars. The city lights in the distance obscured the night sky slightly, but they could still see a few constellations.   
“Well this is fucking romantic.” Bea broke the silence, scooting as close to Jai as she possible could.  
“You know me, always here to impress.” He yawned and stretched an arm over Bea’s shoulder, holding her tight. “I’ve been thinking about what dad was saying earlier.”  
“Oh god. Are we honestly doing this?” She rolled her eyes and tried to pull away, but his grip didn’t let her.   
“Hey!” He protested, shifting so that they were face to face. “Give me a chance at least!”  
“Ok. Chance granted. Don’t say anything fucking sappy though because I haven’t even had anything to drink yet.” Her words were harsh, but her eyes showed something entirely different.   
“I want to ask you something, and I don’t want you to freak out. It’s completely serious. I’m not trying to fuck with you.” He cleared his throat and threw the blanket off his shoulders, crawling a foot out in front of her and pulling himself to rest on one knee. Bea immediately flashed a million different emotions. The one she settled on was annoyance. “I’ve loved you since the moment I met you and you’re so fucking amazing. Everything new that comes up you somehow know how to handle. I don’t even know how you do it. You’re just everything I ever wanted and it took me so long to realize it. Beatrice Anne King, will you please never fucking marry me?” This got a laugh out of her. She sighed in relief and smiled brightly. “I don’t want anything to change. I want us to stay exactly how we are. Please don’t marry me.”  
“Jai Courtney, I wouldn’t marry you for all the money in the world.” She crawled up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him deepy.   
“I don’t have a ring or anything,” He pulled away slightly, holding on tight to her waist. “but I’m going to eat you out for like an hour. Hope that works.”


End file.
